Only $48.99.

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Woo girl! You need to trim those hedges! The Anita Waxin costume includes a red, one-piece swimsuit, made from polyester. Straps fit around the shoulders, while big poly-foam breasts with buttons for nipples are attached to the chest, with a red, stretchy cloth that fits over top of them. The front reads “Life Guard.” The legs of the of the costume are a skin tone, and they meet in the crotch, where locks of curly black hair spring out from both sides. Get out the lawn mower for this one; it’s like a jungle!

Oh, god. Make it stop. Please make it stop.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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