Credit: Photo: Kelly O

Tickets for America’s sweetest homegrown porn festival HUMP! are now on sale. Been living under a rock for the last few years and have no idea what I’m talking about? Go HERE. Every year the submissions get better, and every year we sell out every showing in advance. You don’t want to get left out of this*, so GET YOUR TICKETS NOW.

*Otherwise you’ll have to buy your scalped ticket on the street from one of our commenters who has already threatened to buy them up, and sell them outside for exorbitant prices, while wearing tiny rubber shorts and a mesh crop top. Not naming names.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)