This Week’s Featured I, Anonymous!

After being on the waiting list for three years(!) to get a plot in a community garden, a spot finally opened up in a park by my place! I was so pumped to have the space, dirt, and sunlight to start a garden after living in apartments for the past seven years. I figured that most of my fellow gardeners would be like me, in the sense they didn’t have a yard but wanted to grow a few things. Then I discovered the people I’m actually sharing the garden with. How much unsolicited gardening advice can I take?! Shut the hell up and mind your business! I don’t give a shit that you own A HOUSE but still take up plots here! I could care less about when you think I should have planted my tomatoes! And if you stare at me or question if I should be here one more time, I swear to god I will come for your precious vegetables, herbs, and flowers! I will bring in all the bugs you don’t want! I will leave the gate open so dogs and kids wander in! I will fill your compost bag with my weeds! I will become THAT APARTMENT PERSON you are so scared of.—Anonymous