Alone Again, Unnaturally

I clicked on your profile and I thought this was it. Finally, after one bad date after another, I found someone who was more than a 25% match. Your photos weren’t bad either; not only did you seem cool, but you were also quite attractive. Sure, the dark gloomy clouds that seem to be ever-present on the horizon of my life chimed in with their opinion, but I, for once, chose to ignore it. I’ve had gout from my excessive drinking, but that drinking was strictly due to my being alone and lonely. And, I only drink at night, past 10:15 and 12 seconds. I’ve learned to walk without too much of a gait and life goes on. I looked at your photos for hours, the glow of my computer screen lighting my pitted and greasy face. I’m unworthy of love is what I had always assumed, for being alone has been my life. But you… you…. with the higher than 25% match and attractiveness that meets my strict standards, caught my attention. I put down my Mountain Dew, wiped the Cheetos dust from my fingertips and manage to pound out a cryptic message: “Wat is up? How ru? Ur cute.” It was read, but no response.I lose again, like always. Alone I shall sit while I ride my white stallion into the whiter halls of Valhalla. My cup of love spillith over, onto the paper towel of lust as my chalice of moisturizer empties into the stratosphere.