Dear Buttcrack- Beaverton,
What the fuck are you doing here? Nobody needs you. You are like Portland’s awkward relative that nobody actually believes is related to it. Your city brain reminds me of a 16 year old cheerleader with an eating disorder and fried hair who will die of skin cancer from tanning her existence away. You are vapid, unambitious, boring and overly populated with bro-cops and inbred Beaverton babies. How do you live this close to Portland and still get shocked by the bra-less woman at the grocery store? (me). Grow. Up. There are actually real things worth being upset about. I had to visit you daily for a little while for work. For a second I thought about trying to fit in… but there was literally nothing I could bring myself to try and bond with you over. I don’t have an eating disorder, I don’t like bros, I will not slutt-shame, fat-shame, or any other kind of shame which you seem to take pleasure in. I, for one, will not be sorry when the GREAT EARTHQUAKE OF 201… sucks you back into the earth’s buttcrack from whence you came. – Looking forward to it. watching and waiting,
love Portland.

9 replies on “Buttcrack Beaverton”

  1. “There are actually real things worth worrying about” IA says, then rants about Beaverton ad nauseam. What other real things do I need to worry about…Gresham, Vancouver, Lake Oswego?

  3. Making fun of eating disorders isn’t any better than fat shaming. Amazement at the unharnessed bosom isn’t just a thing of Beaverton. Next time shout “braless ain’t lawless”… It works in PorTland.

  4. If “the Big One” is big enough to suck Beaverton into earth’s metaphorical buttcrack, what makes you think Portland will be spared?

  5. When the big one hits and PDX is rubble in a sea of sewage, you’ll wish you could get through the tunnel to Beaverton. I think you jelly.

  6. Alright miss more-socially-aware-than-thou, why are you shaming teenage girls? Were you born with an inherent knowledge of how destructive our society’s impossible beauty standards are?

    You were??

    Okay then, maybe have some empathy for CHILDREN who are still figuring it out.

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