Shut the fuck up. Don’t even look at me: I will not be your one black friend. You are not exceptional. You are not different. You drink too much beer and use your dogs to get laid. You think you’re so fucking brilliant for living in Portland; you are not. You haven’t even earned the right to wax nostalgic about this city, though you do it daily. You were not here in the golden age of skinheads and hippies. No matter how many food carts you frequent, or farmers markets you infest, you will remain a replica of every other smug white bastard here. And by the way, stupid white men: stop trying to pick me up at New Seasons. I will not be the dark black notch on your lily white bedpost. Fuck all y’all.—Anonymous
Dear Smug White Bastards
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This can’t possibly be true! Everyone knows that privileged white jerks from the suburbs stop being assholes the minute they move to the city and start buying fair trade coffee.