Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

To the person who stole my tip jar: I hope that you die in a fiery fucking car accident in the woods that lasts three months and all the bears, squirrels, bunnies, and shit slowly eat your half-alive burning body as you are forced to watch in the rearview mirror because you are wedged between the seat and a fallen tree. Then, after you die, I hope you suffer an eternity of pain and anguish. I hope you are forced to listen to the Spin Doctors cover “Life Is a Highway” over and over again until your fucking ears bleed. I hope that you are repeatedly sodomized with my broken tip jar by Larry the Cable Guy while Jeff Foxworthy beats off on your face while telling you redneck jokes, all while spending several millennia riding a perpetual #6 bus. Get a fucking job!—Anonymous

3 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  3. A few months ago, I sent a Letter To The Editor of the Mercury. No one acknowledged my letter, probably because it expressed an opinion contrary to the politically correct, anti-American nightmare the Mercury is ramming down our throats.

    But I am totally on board with I Anonymous. There is nothing – Absolutely NOTHING – so horrible that I would not wish it on those who have wronged me. I lie at awake at night contemplating revenge. I want it so bad I can taste it.

    Imagine both my enemy’s legs crushed by a sledgehammer. Every time he thinks about running down to the court for a couple of quick sets of tennis, he’ll remember what he did to me. Imagine his eyes gouged out with Anonymous’s broken tip jar. Every morning when he wakes up and gropes around for his white cane, he’ll think of me.

    Know what the most satisfying thing in life is?? It’s not accomplishing a difficult task and receiving well-deserved adulation. It’s not raising your children into responsible, productive adults. It’s not achieving happiness, by whatever means works for you.

    The sweetest, most satisfying feeling life has to offer is revenge. Complete and absolute revenge.

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