Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

You guys really made my night, you know that? Here I was, finishing
up some bathroom-ly duties near a bar on Fremont, and a random movement
in a window caught my eye. Lo, and I did behold in the closed-up bar a
dark haired man totally giving his all to a hot young thing with bright
red streaked hair. Now, my first impulse was to let you two have your
moment and give you your privacy, but then I thought fuck it, you know
what you’re doing. Having sex in plain view like that is only exciting
because someone might see you. And tonight that someone was me. I
wasn’t turned on by this display of after-hours fornication as much
fascinated in a detached Animal Planet sort of way, as you pounded her
doggy style on the couch. She seemed to be enjoying herself enough to
scream in rhythm to your thrusting butt cheeks, until after about seven
or eight minutes you finally came and the fascination left the
building. So I guess congratulations are in order in that you
successfully achieved a kink of public sex whether you know it or not,
and I was your public for the entire endeavor. Next time, let’s go for
15 minutes!—Anonymous

8 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  3. Well, let’s recap: some drunk slacker with small bladder relieves himself on the side (front?!) of a building – and then peeps through the window to watch some folks bumping uglies. Since when is being a Peeping Tom cool? Since when is pissing in public cool? And, for the record, if the bar is dark and closed, the couple wasn’t making whoopee in public – you’re just a creep!

  5. god, the only thing worse than a lame I, Anonymous is the stream of bigger losers who can’t wait to critique the I, Anonymous each week.

    I’m lookin at YOU, Mick Finn.

  6. What the hell’s wrong with pissing outside? Dogs do it all the time. We live in Portland for crying out loud. I do believe the rain will wash it away. It’s amazing how uptight some of you people are. You’re probably the same folks that get nervous if a homeless person approaches you.

    For the record, I’m stoked that there’s finally an”I anonymous” that wasn’t a pathetic, whining moron.

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