Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

I know that stealing a bottle of Cholula hot sauce from a local
burrito restaurant isn’t the end of the world, but it is dishonest. I
had no intention of stealing until I noticed a fresh, unused bottle of
Cholula at the condiments bar. I thought about how it would complement
the burrito I was taking back to work. I waited until I felt the coast
was clear, and put it in my jacket pocket. Later at work I idiotically
remarked to my coworkers about my taking of the Cholula. Jaws dropped.
My coworkers’ reaction allowed me to realize what I did was wrong. I am
a 30-year-old professional with a master’s degree! Is this what I
should be doing in my life? I can afford my own Cholula! I have since
removed the contraband from my work fridge so as not to remind my
coworkers of my ashamed behavior. I also realized how obvious I must
have been to the restaurant employee. I regret having such poor
judgment in her presence, because I am a regular customer and I think
she is hot. I am sorry I stole the Cholula. It won’t happen
again.—Anonymous

13 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. I, too, know of this temptation: that of stealing something that is easily affordable. If it was something that perfectly matched your living room decor it would be slightly harder to condemn. Slightly.

  2. So basically you’re a douche bag with some kleptomania issues…nice. I would be curious to know what said masters degree. But don’t worry, chicks dig thieves….it’s soooo hot. But hey, in this town it just might work! Unless you are one of these low testosterone, semi ghey hipster types….in which case you’re either SOL, or freaking golden.

  3. Uh, have you considered returning it? You can’t have used it all. Just put it back when no one is looking. Or you could replace it with a new bottle.

  5. Wow. An epic douche bag on so many levels. Congrats.

    And yes, hot chicks absolutely love it when you steal shit from them. You are so in there.

  7. Who gives a shit? You are now the proud owner of a bottle of Cholula. Boo friggity hoo to the whiny geeks condemning you for this. Fuck the Mexican restaurant. They probably served you canned chicken anyways, so the bottle of Cholula makes up the difference. I can’t believe this shit made I, Anonymous.

  8. The commenters here seem to be throwing some first stones, methinks… Like no one’s ever lifted some trivial item from anywhere, ever. Geeeez…

    Anyway, what I really wanted to say is this: THIS is a good I, Anonymous. These really shouldn’t just be forums for passive-aggressive bitch sessions where teh writer could have perfectly well just said it all plain as day and not be a puss… It’s about an anonymous declaration to your peers. More like this, please.

  10. what the fuck, are you people serious? you have nothing better to bitch about? calling some dude that stole hot sauce a douche. you cant just throw that word around and expect it to retain its meaning when the real douches come to town. chill out.

  11. you did the worker a favor. Do you know how hard it is to keep the hot sauce filled clean and santized. Don’t sweat it if I had been working I would have given it to you less work for me. Hot girl probably doesn’t care she will just open a new one. Since they don’t have hot sauce packets to go you are in the clear you go to MickyD’s you want ketcup they give it to you

  13. A thief is a thief. You dirty wretched thief. Steal hot sauce, steal my bike, steal a car stereo. No difference. Stealing is what antisocial dirtbags do, you dirtbag. If there is any karma, you will get your laptop stolen and lose everything.

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