Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

To the one who stole the live turkey from the schoolyard: I’m
sorry, but you definitely suck. There were two live turkeys living in
the front gardens of my son’s school, just hanging out with the
resident chickens, and when I went to get them, one of them was
gone. You took the cock and left his mate, the hen, you loser! She was
cold, lonely, and scared when I showed up to get her, thanks to you! I
know that you stole him, that he didn’t just wander off, because
turkeys travel in flocks or at least in pairs. One wouldn’t just wander
off without his mate. Not to mention that that turkey was raised by
someone and represented almost $60 worth of meat, labor, and love,
which you got free of charge, but you also stole it from elementary
school kids, you total creep! My son wants you to know that he hopes,
before you murdered your stolen bird, that it scratched you really good
with its fecal-encrusted claws on your big, fat, lazy butt, and that
you got a huge case of blood poisoning. I hope you’re vomiting on
yourself in bed with no one but your criminal friends to clean up after
you.—Anonymous

8 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  2. Elementary kids love it when you kill and eat their pets, especially when they have apparently invested so much time and love in raising them.

    I’m rooting for the cock liberators.

  4. To the low-life purloiner of an elementary school hand fed and raised tom turkey by those little kids: Theft seems to be a practised profession of yours, it takes a bit of cunning to steal a turkey, they don’t necessarily go quietly and they can fight back. If you can read I suggest Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dosteyevsky to see what your end will be you miserable human being.

    But, if you are poor, uneducated and hungry and not familiar with community resources to know that you and your family could have gotten a Thanksgiving dinner for free, then you are too stupid to be in Portland’s community and you should go back to where you came from before your parole officer catches up with you.

  5. What if was an out of work dad who exhausted his entire 401k has been on unemployment for over 6 months looking for work trying to give his wife and kids a holiday meal without making them sick with worry but i guess that doesn’t happen there just all jerks and all thieves deserve to die right.One never knows about all circumstance surrounding peoples actions.Give a man his dignity it’s really degrading to sit in line at a soup kitchen with your wife and kids.Explain that to you teenager or toddler.Would you beg for change on hawthorne.with pride in tact

  6. It’s weird how the trend is AI has become to state an offense and then wish some vile, vulgar and violent fate on that person. I almost thought this lady was going to shame the thief gracefully but then she fell into the hate speech. It’s a weird trend, you see it in the letters to the editor sometimes as well. It’s to easy to imagine some ghastly scenario, it’s not that funny. Give me something clever or keep your angst to yourself.

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