Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

We were having a party at our house, a really great one. It was really fun getting drunk with you and your girlfriend, and even more fun choosing sides when you guys exploded into a rage about some stupid, melodramatic shit. Everyone really loved the fight you had in the kitchen, which was the perfect arena, being the exact center of the house and the pathway to everything important (beer/bathroom/make-out basement). To top it off, all the girls went upstairs to console your girlfriend after you called her an idiot and she ran off to cry in MY room. That, coincidentally, was the moment all my friends left, which left me with you and your weepy stories about “how hard you try.” I was hoping you two would just break up that night, but instead I found you headed off to bed together 20 minutes later like there had never been any party-killing fight. In a blind fury, I drank seven beers and took a piss on you and your dumbshit girlfriend—all over your bed—almost hoping to get caught, but you two are such pussy drinkers that you slept right through it. A few days later you told me your girlfriend had wet the bed and refused to admit it that night. I suggested that maybe she had done it to get back at you for starting the fight. You believed my theory. You broke up with her. You are an idiot.—Anonymous

13 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  3. I wanted to throw in a third “that’s an awesomely hilarious revenge” comment before one of the resident trolls decides that this guy’s urinary coup de grace was somehow wildly mysoginistic or unkind to the environment. Internet high five Mr. Anonymous!

  4. 1) you are a whiny emo bitch
    2) get help…..No really
    3)Manipulating people for personal gain is wrong even if the are lame emo hipsters like yourself

  6. jennifer aniston and hello kitties say they been alive in intellegence for about a trillion years. and woder why you go tothe furtherance and freeze to death. physic of a dsh and midget cat. immortal kitties

  11. Wow, I actually laughed out loud (well it was more of a subdued chuckle). However, any kind of audible laughter from me, is something to take note of. Funny twist with the urine. People can be such self-absorbed assholes! Looks like your self-assertion of Karma was the perfect revenge for the snowball effect of their toxic, co-dependent, crazy-making bullshit. The kind that inevitably sucks all the goodness and sunshine out of,(in this case: your party,) but good times in general, and, frankly, other peoples happiness. But hey, it could have been anywhere, at anytime! We know how these things work. Fuck it! I’m glad you pissed on them. Wish I had the metaphorical balls to do the same. Note to self: Piss on a friend when angry at them!( not saying that i’ve never urinated on a friend before, I’m just sayin’…) Kudos and congrats on releasing your justified anger(;-)!!

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