Dear security douche—About two years ago, you caught me trying to get into a show with a fake ID. Though it was a huge pain in my ass, I can understand why you confiscated the ID. I practically begged you to give it back, explaining that I had borrowed my brother’s license for the night. That’s when a cruel smile spread across your face and you launched into a very detailed description of the legal trouble my brother could get into for the deed, even telling me that it was your club’s policy to involve the police (which I now realize is bullshit). Then you offered to give it back in exchange for $100. This was a shitty deal, but I was desperate and went through with it. Well, a while back my band played the club, and you were working. You left your water bottle unattended for a few seconds, giving me just enough time to reach down and grasp my sweaty post-show balls and transfer the essence to the bottle’s unprotected rim. I fingered that thing quite thoroughly, even managing to stick a slimy finger all the way inside, touching the water itself. Then I watched you drink it, you prick.—Anonymous

10 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  2. Seems like I recall a lot of these bodily-fluid-revenge ones, including one just a few weeks back. If you’ve read one you’ve read them all. If they’re not jotted down by someone fictitiously, they might as well be.
    “Someone acted like a jerk so I exposed them to my [insert bodily fluid] and they never realized it — until now!” Wow — daring, righteous, and scandalously amusing!

  4. …and passive aggressive! Why didn’t you say anything to him in person? He was right there! You’re obviously happy with yourself for getting back at him – but you should just be ashamed that you didn’t have the balls to confront him to his face.

  5. Once, at band camp, this homophobic counselor called me a fag, so, I snuck into his cabin at 1 am the next morning, and, with my stealth ninja moves, gave him the best head of his life. He came twice and never woke up. I spit the cum on his belly and then left him a note, with a nice Sharpie pen (with permanent ink)…..”Thanks for the jizz phoby, luv ya, the fag in your shorts.” The next day, he asked all the campers if anyone had a Sharpie. I laughed HARD!!! I got him good. ;0)
    (this is almost as believable as the ball sweat story in this issue)

  6. this reminds me of a douche I once had a date with (he was also working the door at a club). I went down on him and then he started to go down on me but stopped. I pushed him down there again and he pulled away. I told him that it was only fair that he do me like I did him. He said that I wasn’t very “fresh” and should probably douche. He zipped up and left.
    Last weekend I’d been dancing with friends and bar hopping. We ended up at the club he was working at. I watched him and when he stepped out to talk with some guy, I the pack of smokes from his jacket. It didn’t take long, as I wasn’t wearing panties, to thoroughly dampen the filter tips on his cigs with my “not so fresh” lady fluids. I put them back int the pack and slipped it back into his jacket. When we left the club, he was standing outside smoking one of those “not so fresh” smokes. Vengeance was all mine.
    Remember this douches. When you tell a lady to douche, make sure that she’s the type who always wears panties and isn’t into revenge.

  9. haha..you stupid fucks don’t believe IA did this? ha! i bet you also don’t believe that us people in the food industry dont do the same damn thing to your food, or worse, when you don’t tip! so naive…

  10. Exactly. Who gives a damn if you stuck your ball sack in someones water bottle. The bouncer dude probably ate a health portion of piss, cum, spit or what have you during his Burgerville break before your show. You should have punched him in the dong instead and took your hundred bucks back. You brother could have gotten a new ID for 25 from DMV.

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