Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

Okay, so I was stupid enough the first time that I thought the mileage gauge on my old 1975 Chevy had ceased to accurately display my gas consumption, and subsequently thought it was my fucking fault for running out of gas on 15th and Fremont. My insight into the dilemma took another turn with my second empty gas stall, this time on 15th and Prescott. It occurred to me that I had just put into my tank a hard-earned $20 the day before, and that nowhere in the last 24 hours had I driven 200-plus miles. You cock-sucking, lip-smacking, gas-siphoning, guzzling pig! Next time you come to my truck the new gas locks will have been installed. I hope that when you guzzle your next victim’s gas you swallow a large gulp, causing you to vomit, then belch, and then, you incompetent bum, I want you to light a smoke to smother the putrid odor, causing your lips to ignite on fire! YOU SCUM-SUCKING FUCK-WHORE!—Anonymous

8 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  2. I used to use the neighbor’s RV as my own personal gas station when I was a kid. I must have got 30 gallons out of that thing over the years. I’ve also had my gas tank emptied on a number of occasions. It happens.

    Impotent rage is as pathetic as it is entertaining.

  3. I drove a ’73 Chevy to work everyday. I took $20 EVERYDAY to get there and back. I quit, found a new job and biked there everyday.

  5. Yay! Thank you for the genuinely good rant, it’s been a while! I was pissed when some asshole snipped off the end of my garden hose to siphon my neighbor’s truck’s gas; feelin’ your pain.

  7. There was recently a CSI (yes, I watch CSI) episode where a man who made a living on siphoning expensive gasoline from high end motor boats ends up dying because he answered his old cell phone and the electric shock caused a smoldering fire that burned down his throat and killed him from the inside…even though this is highly unlikely (and improbable), I thought the image would be comforting to you, anonymous.

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