Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

Brad, get off the heroin! I say that on behalf of the entire block, and on behalf of your girlfriend, who was screaming at you on her cell phone while sitting on her front stoop at 6:45 am this morning. She’s screaming at you, Brad, and you won’t take this seriously. Brad, don’t you realize what she’s “done for you”? You’re “not even listening” to her. We’re all listening to her now, Brad. We have to listen. She’s screaming at the top of her lungs, Brad. “Why the fuck did you do it?” Why, Brad? She is “so angry right now!” She’s waking up the entire street for you, Brad, and you don’t even “get it”! She can’t believe you’re laughing! The neighborhood’s not laughing. We’re all concerned about your drug problem now. We have to be. I don’t think the neighborhood can believe you would do this to her. Now think about it, Brad. Let’s take a step back. I have to tell you—your girlfriend is hot. She’s so together. If you don’t change your ways, I think the neighborhood will make a move and steal her away from you. But that’s just between you and me, and the neighborhood she woke up at 6:45 am.—Anonymous

11 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. Are you sure Brad isn’t really Ezra? I mean he did post about his crack problem; if that wasn’t a scream for help, I don’t know what is.

  4. Agreed with the love for this one.

    In the early 90’s, someone spraypainted “I LOVE YOU DENISE, Brian” all over town. I mean, it was fucking everywhere, reminiscent of the whole “TRUST JESUS” thing of the early 80’s. It took perhaps six months before someone started responding with “I HATE YOU BRIAN, Denise” all over the place.

  7. Still pathetic.

    No ‘yay’
    No “*dancing*”.
    No smirking.
    No boot licking bs.

    I, Anonymous still sucks the poots out of dead pigeons downtown.

    That is all.

Comments are closed.