Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

I was here during the rise and the fall of the club Satyricon. I watched as local papers told us Courtney Love was a regular (she definitely was NOT!), and that if we were lucky we could get in to see Portland bands like Everclear and Sleater-Kinney (NOT PORTLAND BANDS!). Who could I trust in this town? Who wouldn’t lie to me? The goddamn marquee sign on the front of the building!! That’s who! When it said “90 Proof” or “Sweaty Nipples” or “Poison Idea” or “Jolly Mon” or one of my all-time favorite postings, “Speed Weenie w/Shit Finger,” I knew it was going to be an evening of pure PORTLAND debauchery. What? You don’t know who these bands are? The sign on the front of the Satyricon does! That’s why I drove downtown in my official-looking truck, with an official ladder, put on an official orange vest and an official hard hat, and in broad daylight officially STOLE THE SIGN off the front of the building. It is in my possession, and will never be in the hands of the likes of Art Alexookiedooke (that Everclear guy) or Britney Spears or whoever the hell the local media wants to tell me rocked this town!! Not in my lifetime!! NOT IN MY TOWN!!—Anonymous

27 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. Hell yeah! I hope this one’s true. I remember a time in Portland where the local bands were actually good, and the local music scene was not ridiculously over saturated.

  8. I know for a fact that every intersection within a 3 block radius of Satyricon has a hidden video camera… here’s hoping the cops don’t research the time and date of the theft, find this dude’s license plate number, and bust down his front door at 6AM.

  11. I’d like to retract my former endorsement of this action and replace my comment with one that has a snarky, contrarian thrust. Is it too late?

  15. This was the lamest piece of shit accuse for an Ianon EVER!
    WTF were you guys thinking???
    FUCK!
    I want that 20 fucking seconds of my life back!

  16. Ignore the IDIOT who posted the 15th comment. If you go to his profile, he talks like this about everyone and everything.
    NOW for all you rock solid portlanders who might think you know who I am, (yes! I stole the satyricon sign)
    Does taggart street mean anything to you ?
    Do you now someone that was a HUGE Alice Cooper fan?
    Your getting warmer!!!! wanna see the sign ?

  17. Thank you for doing this (if I hadn’t moved back to Texas I’d probably have grabbed it before you did) and thank you for pointing out two of the most obvious/shitty/non Portland bands who were directly involved in the shittifying of the PDX underground rock scene.
    I’m still kicking myself that I wasn’t there the night George gave away the upside down barbed-wire headed wooden figure hanging from ‘the pole’……

  18. “Speed Weenie w/Shit Finger”…ping

    Poison Idea…ping

    “official-looking truck, with an official ladder, put on an official orange vest and an official hard hat”…splash

    HAVE SEX WITH ME NOW!

  19. Has it occured to anyone here that [maybe] stealing a huge sign in dt is a pretty stupid/jackass idea? And WHAT exactly did this accomplish??? You have this huge marquee sign in your living room… ok.

  21. Rock n’ Roll Swindle:

    Taggart street sure does mean something, got shitfaced at a party there with Fig Nuisance and Caveman years and years ago.
    Fellow Alice Cooper fan, never mind the bollocks, or the snarky Gen Y pussies that read this blog, you did good work.
    Your secret is safe with me.
    BillyJak

  22. look the sign is gone….to DAMOSA. the satyricon was the longest running venue in the us at the time of close. yeah it was a shit hole but a lot of music history has gone down there.

    rock n’ roll swindle good job on gettin it. and this is coming from the door girl of satyricon who was there for almost everyday of it’s last 4 years of existence. and i think i may have a slight idea who you are. but i got some marquee letters i took that last night!

    high five and good job!

  23. what i was gettin at is theyre tearing the building down anyways so if he wanted the sign that bad let him…that’s probably why no one questioned him is cause no one cared since it’s gonna be coming down.

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