To my neighborhood porn store: We’ve known each other for a while. Each time my BFF or I need a new vibrator or some humorously tall platform glitter shoes, you’re the one we turn to. That’s why when we urgently needed a pair of sex cuffs we came straight to you. And my, were we delighted to see that you had a promotion going on: Spend $50 and pick a prize from the basket. We were thrilled to get a dainty pink vibrator/massage lotion set. Then we pulled it out in the car. Our hot pink box was held closed with several strips of packing tape, a clear indication that it had been previously opened. We assumed it had merely been a display model. But, oh no. We pulled the actual vibrator out of the box and it was STICKY, as in someone had previously smeared it with LUBE and USED it. We also noticed that the bottle of massage lotion was only a quarter full. And, the icing on the cake: A DEAD BABY COCKROACH at the bottom of the box. Ever heard of coupons? Because seriously, giving away sticky, used sex toys as a way to lure in unsuspecting customers is hands down the WORST idea anyone has ever had.—Anonymous
I, Anonymous
Sticky Icky
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Usually I’m one of the readers saying it’s time to euthanize I, Anonymous, but this week’s was the best one you printed in years. Kudos.
I only hope that getting your story into I,A made up, in some small way, for the horror and tragedy you had to experience. Heal …. heal.
Did you ever stop to consider that the lotion may have simply leaked inside the box? That’s probably what killed the baby cockroach as well. It was free, so shut the hell up.
Legitimate gripe. That’s some nasty shit right there. And you resisted the desire to post some passive-aggressive revenge fantasy into the post, too. Congrats!
Fake. NFW.
shucks…another week without a I, Anon column.
Yuck! Not much else i can say to that. Lady, i just hope you let the folks at the porn shop know too. Perhaps from now on, you and your BFF and all your other lady friends should just take all your business to SHE – female owned/operated sex shop in N. Portland, if i’m correct.
This was years better than some jackass complaining about how people are inappropriately commandeering his hairstyle. A+.
I like how they added it was a baby cockroach. As opposed to the middle-aged cockroaches.
Totally not fake, actually. I told my friend to write in.
That vibrator isn’t used; it’s ‘vintage’.
It was free, so what are you complaining about?
I delcare FAKE upon first thought.
However after working @ Spartacus in the 90s… I tend to believe its true…
Like ball sacs gracing the counter of VooDoo Dugnuts… if people only knew 😉
Awesome entry this week, I laughed and was horrified at the same time. Good job whoever picked this one! (It’s so absurd is plausible too!)
“Like ball sacs gracing the counter of VooDoo Dugnuts… if people only knew ;)”
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Well sanitation issues aside, i have it upon good authority that Voodoo Dugnuts [sic] has some pretty shitty work place practices too. Such as making employees work off the clock, firing pregnant employees, allowing NO vacation, time -off, raises, etc. after two years, etc. I wouldn’t fucking eat there, much less work there.
As completely groady as that is, you kind of had it coming. Portland is crazy and kinky at the best and worst of times, and any item from a sex shop should have a basic inspection before leaving the store, freebie or otherwise. At least enough to ascertain the fact that it was taped shut. But thanks for the laughs as the scene played out in my head.