I, Anonymous

Hi, lady friend—I do not like you in the way you like me. You’re creeping me out, and that’s why I haven’t called you or returned your text messages or late-night emails. Frankly, you’ve been crossing the line for a while, and I’ve only tolerated it because you’re trying really hard in life. With all of your energy, I would think some of it would translate into brainpower. My friends have cut you off because you crossed lines with them too, you can’t keep falling in love with every boy who crosses your path, especially if they just want to be your friend. Please do not try some desperate stunt to jam yourself into my life in the delusional hope that Valentine’s Day will be different. It won’t, you’re insane for thinking it will, and I’m damn sure you’re planning something, so stop now, and save your money and time. If I receive a fucking email from the Mercury [letting him know that he’s received a free valentine! Submit yours today at portlandmercury.com!—Eds.], I know it will be from you and I will see straight through your obscure and cute message just like your failed and embarrassing I, Anonymous awhile back. Don’t even try: Find it somewhere else.—Anonymous