Dear home barista guy: Fuck you, I do this for a living. For the better part of a decade, actually. It’s a craft and a skill. I get up at OMG o’clock five days a week. I endure burns, repetitive motion injuries, and douche nozzles like you because I’m passionate about what I do. What I do is make kick-ass espresso. What you do is come into my shop and make underhanded comments criticizing my technique, equipment, or staff based on your very limited understanding of espresso theory. You do this in spite of the fact that you pre-grind your espresso for home use (oxidize much?), order your cappuccino to go, and once tried to tell me that a macchiato “doesn’t have foam on it.” Why do you think that you are in a position to criticize and demean an honest, hardworking, and passionate individual? Do me, and my staff a favor: Stay home, home barista. Make your fucking foamless macchiato with your stale espresso on your Black & Decker Express O’Matic 5000 and leave the real lattes to the pros. Stop trying to impress your constipated girlfriend with your feeble attempts to out ‘spro me. May the ghost of Ernesto Illy haunt your dreams.—Anonymous
I, Anonymous
Home Foam
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dear anonymous,
maybe you and your bitter barista attitude could stop berating the customers that keep your sorry ass able to afford your 250 sq ft hawthorne studio. and by the way, espresso is a natural laxative, making your quip about constipation a bit, er, shitty.
sincerely,
anonymous
I, Anon-
Why do you say that Home Barista’s girlfriend is constipated? What does that have to do with anything?
I feel the argument would be better made without resorting to grade school put downs that don’t support the point.
Also, maybe you should attempt to educate the Home Barista instead of making anonymous comments behind his back where he’ll likely never read them. Despite the HB’s lack of knowledge or tact, and his own apparent home-brewing prowess, he’s still giving you with his money.
steve
ps – “‘spro”? are you kidding???
from first glance it seems that the previous commentors have never had terror filled night sweats about their cafe customers, i have. The attitude, pretentiouisness, and just straight up shitty treatment one gets from customers at a coffee shop lights a seething pyre of resentment that sometimes needs to be released.”Despite the HB’s lack of knowledge or tact, and his own apparent home-brewing prowess, he’s still giving you with his money.” so if someone is a total asshole, if they give you their money that makes their lack of humaness okay? we all could use some manners these days, barista and customer alike. we are in this together, no foam doth seperate. personally, i love my barista. thanks i, anonymous that latte was delicious.
m
Are you people kidding with your comments? I have people that come into my shop, throw their money down on the counter and bark orders at me while on their cell phones. Then, they critique my technique. All while not tipping. Dudes and dudettes, wake the F-Up! While we are on the other side of the counter, we are still people. People who are trying to get your day started right with an awesome caffeinated beverage and a great interaction. Please don’t treat us like crap and then tell us we are doing in wrong. If you don’t like what we do, go to the green arches where the customer is always right. If you want knowledgeable specialty coffee industry baristas who make hand crafted beverages, keep your crappy non-tipping comments to yourself…or just make your coffee at home where you can bask in the glory of your cremaless espresso and your microwaved milk.
Goddamn it. I didn’t write the above comment.
That’s what I get for letting a drunk coworker use my computer. Thanks, Mercury for not allowing people to delete comments.
unfortunately, during most of my visits to coffee shops in portland, even getting the barista to make any audible greeting is a rarity. i’ve taken to prompting them: “usually i wait for a greeting before barking an order at a barista.” to this i get shitty looks too, so what’s a guy to do? i try to be polite, be genuine with thank yous, but i get the impression that either i don’t look right for the shop/not a hipster or, somehow, manners are completely lost on people in this city. i worked for Tully’s Coffee in seattle for 2 1/2 years so, yes, I do know how it goes with customers. some suck, and yes, i’m sure some of them brew at home. BFD. letting go of the occasional rude comment is part of the job when you’re in customer service. being polite, even giving the customer the benefit of the doubt, is also part of customer service. and, sorry to say it, baristas, you have to EARN a tip and not just expect it.
and to the knowledgeable, FRIENDLY, and POLITE baristas whom I haven’t met, sorry. too many of your rude, entitled, bratty, egoistic brethren have done a good deal to tarnish the barista profession, at least for this writer. keep up your good work and maybe i’ll find you out there one day.
I just moved back to Portland from living in Italy (Venice, Tuscany, and even the Southern boot) for 10 years and would just like to mention that markets in Italy do not sell whole bean coffee. In fact, I never saw anybody grind coffee at home until I came back to America. So I don’t know what this person means about pre-gound coffee at home. Stove top espresso is still the best at home, and in Italy Illy is the same as Starbucks here. Nobody likes it. Please go there and learn.
Seriously with the attitude?
I worked as a barista eleven years ago, before the explosion of coffee shops in Portland or elsewhere. I worked at a stand in a commuter rail station, and then in the financial district, so I know how to make coffee and make it well. I’m also a friendly person – not a simpleton or a doof, but someone capable of eye contact and “please” and “thank you.” So, dear barista, FUCK YOU and your stupid attitude. As if there isn’t an espresso joint 10 steps from your stupid shop that people can visit to get their $5 latte.
Hell yea! Defend your craft! Kudos ‘spro maker – you are a shining beacon of light and artistic integrity for us all to admire!