I was trying to enjoy the new Star Wars at Imax. You were sitting right behind me and started whimper-crying in the most pathetic way. Mind you, this started around the time Han and Leia were reunited, so I couldn’t understand what the fuck could be so fucking sad at that point in the film?!? I thought you might have been simply crying tears of joy at seeing the old lovebirds together again, but no, something much more horrible was amiss, because the sobbing literally didn’t stop for another forty minutes or so. There was also the occasional random snickering mixed in with your primal, childlike weeping, which led me to the conclusion that you were in the middle of a really bad psychedelic trip. Please know that you’re emotional, probably drug-induced, breakdown was a less-than-ideal surround soundtrack and frankly was kind of scary. Next time, please go with a sober friend who can kindly escort your blubbering ass out of the theater before you completely ruin the experience of other moviegoers.

9 replies on “Keep Your LSD Cryfests Away from My Star Wars”

  1. Yeah, how dare I be subjected to other human beings making the noises of human emotion in a public exhibition that everyone paid equally to attend. You must be on drugs, there’s no other explanation. Woe befall you if you even *think* of munching on popcorn, I’ve got a real passive-aggressive anonymous screed brewing if that happens!

  2. So…any theories as to what Star Wars would look like if you watched it on really bad acid(like some of the brown pills grandma saved as Woodstock souvenirs)?

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