Waking up every day as the owner of a heterosexual caucasian penis, I’m told at least a handful of times each week by random people, strangers, co-workers, etc, that I’m ignorant about everything, privileged in every way, and that I don’t know what it’s like to be judged, or to fail, or to feel shame, or anything. Any complaint I make is met with “oh you poor white man, is your privilege ok?” Basically I’m not allowed to ever voice any problems in my life because I’m white and straight and a man, so I need to stop crying about my privilege.

This week we learned Lena Dunham, if not molested, at least engaged in some highly questionable sexual behavior with her sister from the ages of 7 until 17. We also learned that the “This is what a feminist looks like” t-shirts that are so popular are made by women crammed into sweat shops and paid a dollar an hour, if that.

I know somehow Jezebel and every other man hater will somehow find a way to blame these things on my privileged caucasian penis, but in the meantime I’m loling pretty hard as the self righteous never-do-wrongers are rightfully dragged through the mud. Enjoy it, savor it. I sure am.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: OH… BOO-HOO-HOOOOO! End of note.]

30 replies on “My White Male Privilege”

  5. And I’m not a big Dunham fan, but the amount of hate aimed at her is insane. Cover of the National Review last week? Really??!?

  7. As the host organism of another heterosexual caucasian penis, allow me to enlighten you…

    The penis owns you, not the other way around.

    BTW, there are plenty of legitimate reasons for feeling sorry for yourself, but being a white male is not one of them.

  8. I wake up every morning as the owner of a bisexual Estonian penis, but at this point I can’t really remember how or where I acquired it.

  10. Googled what this was about. Ew Lena ew, why would you even admit that in a book? Masturbating while your younger sister is asleep under the covers right next to you, bodies touching, is really fucked up. If a 17 year old guy did that he’d be crucified.

  13. The biggest “problems” straight white men seem to be complaining about are that people that aren’t straight, white, or men, actually HAVE problems and you don’t want to empathize with them, listen to them, or make any effort to acknowledge them.

    When your biggest problem is having to hear about other people’s problems all the time, check your god damned privilege.

  14. >Walking down a busy street when it begins to rain hard
    >I take out and pop open my umbrella above my head
    >I turn to my right and see a woman in a dress made of a thin fabric
    >the rain is drenching her and she looks uncomfortable as she begins to scurry for cover
    >I approach her with my umbrella and hand it to her
    >”Take this, I don’t need it.” I say
    >Terror washes over her face as she is forced to take my umbrella
    >She begins to squeal in fear of my oppression
    >the rape I’m committing against her causes her to stumble backward and she bumps into another man
    >she spins around violently to see
    >The man excuses himself and says that he’s sorry
    >the oppression is hitting her from all sides
    >Other men on the street begin to clap
    >Women begin running and sounding rape whistles
    >the rain falls on the girl’s face, mixing with her tears as she raises my umbrella above her head
    >shivers shoot through my body as I revel in the oppression I am subjugating this woman to
    >I feel rain drops bounce onto my now erect penis
    >I stare at her, chauvinistically expecting nothing in return, and aggravate the rape as I begin to turn away
    >”T-thank you.” she yelps, in total desperation behind a thousand rainy tears
    >I turn back for a moment and smile
    >And I tell her, “It was my privilege”

  18. Here’s a great example of WHITE MALE PRIVILEGE: acting like the ACTUAL physical threat of racist trigger happy cops and vigilantes, rapists, queer bashers, and whatever other bigoted violent asshole behavior is lurking around the corner is some sort of a pity party we are throwing ourselves to be debated by the status quo.

  20. fellow privileged white-man here…. (a) the story happened at age 7, once… not 17 (a correction the National Review had to admit) and (b) FUUUUCCCKKKKK YOOUUUUU!!!!

    MRA fuckshit men complaining about having to adjust their entitled, privilege, ungrateful lives is so 2013. We get it, your lonely and want to talk about your feelings. No one is stopping you from doing that. Lemme guess… you think black people are just lazy too? Fuck you bro!

  21. It’s a conspiracy by the feminist industrial complex, which is actually just a loose knit network of coffee klatch attending, “women & women first” types. They meet every Tuesday at lesbian bookstores, discuss a feminist poem book, then plot against their mortal enemy: the straight white man. You’re either with them or against them. Note: not every lesbian falls into this category; just the ultra liberal left wingers. And one should also be cautious to differentiate them from more rational moderate feminists who seek true equality across the board. Wooh to he who dare enters their realm, for they will scrutinize you till your weenie shrinks down to the size of a grain of rice.

  29. White privilege is real, but as a white dude paying minimum rent and not perfect by any means or in school or even qualified for any high paying job, I’m not keeping anybody down.

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