[Got an anonymous confession or rant you just have to share with the world? Submit it to I, Anonymous HERE!—eds]
Recently I was the recipient of the phrase “[You’re] one of the good ones.”, and it registered as a backhanded compliment immediately. Of course, I’m aware of the phrase’s historical use from whites on black men, but the inversion of it being applied to me (a white man) reminded me of a few things. Firstly, that I hardly thought myself deserving of such a remark for what I considered the bare minimum; and second, that the expectation of my demographic is an average of ill-treatment of all others.
I won’t deny that there’s an extraordinarily large number of white men that need to learn the basics of empathy, but the most important thing that the phrase reminded me of was the paradox of patronization. Back-handed compliments like the label “one of the good ones” don’t have the intended effect of being received as a sort of praise, but rather are received much like any other insult on the basis of ethnicity, sexuality, gender, etc. in that it only causes the recipient to withdraw further from the “other side” of the focal issue.
In a time where our society is more divided than ever into increasingly narrow in-groups, we ought to remind ourselves of the effect that othering anyone has, no matter who they are. Insulting the other side of the political aisle will only cause both to recede further into polarization, and intended compliments that carry an undertone of discrimination will equally only increase resentment in whoever the target is. Compliments (both backhanded and not), insults, and stereotypes may be cathartic in the moment, but it is my belief that to participate in such is to only wound our society in ways that take much longer to heal than to inflict.
While it’s satisfying to corral what we individually consider out-groups into “good” or “bad”, and to recognize the “good ones” of the other, it is equally deluding ourselves into further division. We’re creating an illusion when we label “good ones”, rather than actually accepting each other as people.—Anonymous