I am an alcoholic, who drinks at least six beers a night after work, sometimes more on my days off. Since I don’t need the money that badly, I have for many years been leaving copious amounts of refundable bottles out in my little yellow glass-recycling bin, knowing that someone needier than myself will pick them up and return them. I feel this is a good deal for everyone concerned. I even go out of my way to do this several times on the day before recycling day, and to engage bottle gatherers so that we may continue our symbiotic relationship. But since I moved to a new neighborhood six months ago, my yellow bin has been stolen. Twice. The city will not give me a new one, so I no longer have the means to provide you with the bottle refunds that are your livelihood. How fucking stupid can you be? You will never again receive any bottles from me, Ever. I will go to the trouble to take them in myself, even though I don’t need the money. And when I see you trolling my ‘hood for bottles, I WILL call you out. I have no more sympathy for you. Get a job, you fucking moron. Even a drunk like me can achieve that much.

14 replies on “You Lose, Bottle Bandits!”

  1. If you’re only drinking beer, you can’t call yourself an alcoholic. You obviously need to step up your game. Talk to me when you’re able to polish off a fifth of room temperature vodka by 11 am. Fucking amateur.

  2. I drop my bottles off for people at Freddy’s. My roommate won’t put the yellow bin out any longer due to someone stealing a couple of our bins.

  5. Apparently, we are all not unique snowflakes. If I didn’t hold myself to 5 beers last night, I wouldn’t know if I wrote this myself or not.

    And while this topic has been covered multiple times, it just goes to show what degenerate fucking losers all these bottle collectors are. I am beyond sick of all the goddamned bums in this city. They have it way too easy. Except for the mental illness and shitty job market of course.

  6. hey you / I’m too lazy to Google it, but I would hazard an educated guess that MOST homeless people ARE mentally ill….I really don’t believe that the plight of the average homeless person is due to their laziness.

  7. @Doogie…

    A. I qualified my remarks appropriately.

    B. Obviously they aren’t lazy. They have enough energy to go around stealing recycling bins, right?

    If the fucking 20 something hipsters in this town choose to work 20hrs/wk and still opt for food stamps (frequently/fraudently), I would venture a guess that a good percentage of the homeless in Portland are opting to take advantage of the bleeding heart mentality of most of the citizenry (as well as the plethora of gov’t sponsored assistance).

  11. Ok, Bjeeeeesus… I confess! I’ve been kyping the yellow bins to finish building my tribute to the Gorilla’s Plastic Beach album. Didn’t think anyone would miss ’em.

    The blue ones sure, but the yellow? Come on, man – cut me a break!

  12. Also, rat trap in a box marked not for sale. A little hole carved out and then boo yah. Comedy for days, just do it all across the street.

  13. Just do what I do. I bought some banana yellow rustoleum from Home Depot and I spray paint a new cardboard box once a month.

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