I Love Television™

Fine, I’ll admit it! When I saw the movie trailer for
Twilight: New Moon, my testicles shot up into my chest, and I
squealed like a hormonal tween after seeing a Jonas Brother nipple.
Agreed, the Twilight series of books (and feature film) is
horrifyingly sub par—and yet? It gives me anus tingles. I can’t
help myself!

As you have already heard from that nerdy Mormon kid down the block,
Twilight is about a drippy high school girl who falls in love
with a dreamy vampire. And as you know, I am hopelessly smitten by teen
romantic dramas (like The O.C., Smallville, Gossip
Girl, etc.)—but when you throw a freaking VAMPIRE into the
mix? Ka-BOINNNG! I feel like I’m in one of those Sailor Moon cartoons, where I helicopter into the sky and spark- ly confetti
squirts out of my eyes.

HOWEVER! I must admit I’m getting a leeeeetle bit sick of the way
novelists, screenwriters, and TV show creators keep screwing around
with the vampire “mythos.” Rules are rules, people! And when you start
messing around with the way monsters have behaved for centuries, it
becomes a very slippery slope—and before you know it? Mummies
won’t be “shambling” anymore… they’ll be sprinting!

Example: True Blood (which begins its second season this
Sunday at 9 pm on HBO) features “reformed” vampires living among humans
in a small Louisiana town, subsisting on a synthetic blood substitute
named “Tru Blood.” (Coincidentally, I subsist on a synthetic
water substitute named “Colt 45 Malt Liquor.”) And while some of
these vamps aren’t as reformed as they’d like us to believe (i.e.,
sucking the blood of virgins and babies), this show features one of the
most annoying violations of the monster code: “the vampire
boyfriend.”

I mean, WHAT THE EFF?? Dracula was never anybody’s “boyfriend,” and
Nosferatu was too damn ugly for even Paris Hilton to date. To the best
of my recollection, this “vampire boyfriend” nonsense started with
Buffy the Vampire Slayer who romantically boned not one vampire,
but TWO (Angel and the admittedly sexy Spike). C’MON, PEOPLE! Vampires
aren’t sensitive! Vampires don’t fall in love! They hypnotize the shit
out of you, and suck you drier than that empty bottle of Colt 45 lying
at my feet!

And don’t even get me started on this Twilight bullpoop! Too
late—I’ve already started! So this book/flick is all about
this super hot/mopey vampire dude named Edward Cullen who falls in love
with a socially retarded/hot high school chick, right? But get this!
Not only does he break the “no vampire boyfriend” clause, but he’s also
immune to garlic, has a reflection(!), and can WALK AROUND IN SUNLIGHT.
Whoopty-whoop playa, whaaaaaa???

But wait! It gets even more friggin’ ridiculous! Instead of the
sunlight making his flesh melt off his body and maggots crawl out of
his eyeholes (like normal vampires), it actually makes Edward’s skin
“sparkle like diamonds.” OH, PUH-LEEEZE!

That being said, I absolutely adore Edward Cullen, and I would like
very much for him to be my vampire boyfriend. Look, mom! I don’t
care if he breaks a couple rules! I LOVE HIM!! (Besides,
he makes my anus tingle. Sniff.)