Hello! Welcome once again to I Love Television™ and the
SECOND in a continuing series entitled “Your Occult Boyfriend and You.”
Last week, we covered the subject of “vampire boyfriends” and how the
entire concept is largely bullshit. To quickly reiterate, vampires
have no goddamn business being anyone’s boyfriend (especially to
mopey/sexy high-school girls like the one in Twilight). Vampires
have one job, and one job only: hypnotize you, suck the freaking blood
out of your neck, and fly away after turning into a rabies-infested
bat. THE END. All this nonsense about “falling in love” and “not
sucking your blood as a metaphor for sexual abstinence” is a pantsload
of baloney and should not be tolerated by any true member of the
Vampire Union, Local 347.
That being said, I desperately want a vampire boyfriend, and barring
that, a wizard boyfriend would suffice in the interim. According to my
limited research, wizard boyfriends reside in the upper echelon of
occult gentlemen callers. As opposed to the Frankenstein-monster
boyfriends (who tend toward clumsiness and being afraid of fire),
wizard boyfriends have magical powers that can be used to procure me
tons of presents. A new motorcycle? POOF! My wizard boyfriend can do
that. A larger penis and new jeans that can comfortably accommodate my
larger penis? POOF! My wizard boyfriend can do that, too.
The obvious downsides of wizard boyfriends are their abysmal fashion
sense (a star-covered muumuu and a pointy hat? PUH-LEEZE!) and the age
difference, which can be up to 3,000 years. Therefore, the secret to
finding the perfect wizard boyfriend is to snag ’em when they’re
young—like, right out of Hogwarts. That’s when you can
withhold large-penis privileges if they choose to wear a starry
muumuu.
Personally, I’m not interested in courting Harry Potter, his fat
friend Ron Weasley, or any of those snotty overprivileged Hogwarts
brats. That’s because I’ve decided to kick it old-school with the OG
Mr. Wizard himself, MERLIN! “Whoa, whoa! Hold up there, Wm.™
Steven Humpy,” I hear you cry. “Merlin is old and ugly, and he has a
freaky beard just like that guy who’s currently digging for cans in
my apartment building’s garbage!” Au contraire, mon derrie-aire! You’re thinking of GERIATRIC Merlin, and I’m talking about the young,
virile, and HOT Merlin who’s starring in this week’s debut of the new
NBC show Merlin (Sun June 21, NBC, 8 pm).
In this update of the legendary story, a teenage Merlin comes to
Camelot, immediately pisses off reigning King Pendragon (played by
Anthony Head/Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer! EEEEEE!),
makes friends with an equally hot but douchebaggy Prince Arthur,
and refines his magical, penis-enlarging powers. It’s kind of like
The O.C. except with sword fighting, British accents, and
tunics. HOWEVER! There are absolutely no boner-killing muumuus or hobo
beards.
In conclusion! While wizard boyfriends certainly have their
drawbacks (including the desire to attend those nerdtarded
“Renaissance faires”), at least they don’t mope around like vampire
boyfriends or grunt a lot like those clumsy, monosyllabic
Frankenstein-monster boyfriends. So there’s that. NEXT WEEK: werewolf
boyfriends. Can they be coerced into getting a bikini wax?
