Like the persistent strain of herpes bestowed upon me by an Old Town whore on February 14 of 1996, the cretins at the Mercury refuse to realize when they're not wanted. Here's how they wasted everyone's time, electricity, and patience this week.

• Amateur reporters Sarah Mirk and Denis C. Theriault combined their negligible skills for a two-part investigation about some boob who smeared dogshit on a bus driver's seat, then got caught. In related news, the Mercury—once a tabloid that's only useful function was in picking up dogshit—has, at long last, evolved into a tabloid that proudly reports on dogshit.

• In yet another post bereft of discernible purpose, Tony Perez aimlessly rambled about hot sauce. Predictably, Blogtown's air-headed commenters giddily leapt into the non-conversation, successfully wasting a few more moments of their lonely lives.

• Proving unexpectedly observant, Alison Hallett pointed out that—despite having 11 fucking years of practice—the jagoffs at the Mercury are still utterly incapable of publishing a newspaper.

• Speaking, as usual, to no one in particular, Marjorie Skinner asked, "Now that we must sadly say goodbye to Winn Perry, it begs the question: Where are the best remaining places to find good quality men's shoes?" My oh my! What a fascinating query, Ms. Skinner! Perhaps you'd be interested in learning that no one gives a shit.

• In the only worthwhile thing he's ever done, Ned Lannamann accidentally started a movement to get Paul Giamatti cast in the next Star Trek movie. Congratulations, dorkwad! Your next assignment: Talk to a something that has a vagina.

• In a largely successful attempt to bore away his six remaining readers, Ezra "Ace" Caraeff posted some video of some TV show about some Portland bands. No one watched it. A few days later—in an unsuccessful attempt to exploit his two remaining readers—Caraeff demanded they buy him a boat. They did not. This imbecile does not deserve a boat.

• In more news of interest to dorkwads, Erik Henriksen proclaimed he's moderating a panel at a nerd convention this weekend. I hereby promise $50 to the first Seattle resident to send me photographic evidence of Henriksen receiving a swirlie.

• Wm. Steven Humphrey wished a happy birthday to his beloved Justin Bieber, humiliatingly referring to the 17-year-old as "Beebs," "Lil' Beebs," and "Der Beeble." ATTN. PORTLAND POLICE DEPARTMENT: PLEASE RETURN MY CALLS REGARDING WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY, PAEDOPHILE-AT-LARGE.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.