• After spending years bitching and moaning about other people's novels, Mercury book critic Alison Hallett is attempting to write one of her own! Ms. Hallett: You will fail. Also, in the ludicrously unlikely event you do succeed, you should know that no one over the age of 12 will want to read My So-Called Life But with All of the Characters As Cats.

• What did the Mercury's adorable little news team do before Occupy Portland started annoying the shit out of everyone? Spend their days forlornly masturbating, one supposes. This week, the semi-literate Denis C. Theriault traded in his hand lotion for a djembe in order to join Portland's halfwit malcontents as they aimlessly wandered into the Pearl.

• In her continuing efforts to utterly neuter Portland's already disgustingly feminine "male" population, Marjorie Skinner visited a "huge, wonderfully eclectic shop that's essentially a home store, but geared towards men." Note: The "geared towards men" wares for sale include a framed picture of butterflies and whimsically painted tea cups. Ms. Skinner, you are an imbecile.

• Sarah Mirk managed to shut her bike-hole for just long enough to have a meltdown regarding TriMet's "$16 million budget hole." Your childlike refusal to grow up and buy a car doesn't seem like such a good decision now, does it, Ms. Mirk? Patchouli face.

• Courtney Ferguson encouraged people to grow mold on buildings. Ms. Ferguson apparently enjoys wasting people's time.

• Ned Lannamann mumbled something about Pink Floyd. Why the Mercury employs a 17-year-old high-school drug addict as its music editor is a mystery I never wish to solve.

• Wm. Steven Humphrey used his power as editor-in-chief of a major metropolitan newspaper to post a picture of himself dressed as Hall & Oates. Depressing.

• Erik Henriksen spazzed out about some book for dweebs. Say, Mr. Henriksen, what are your plans this Friday evening? Oh, yes—that's right. Congratulations on the exhilarating life you've built for yourself, shit turd.

• Tony Perez—who is apparently colorblind in addition to being inept—waxed rhapsodic about the new bar owned by former Mercury music editor Ezra "Ace" Caraeff. Conflict of interest? No! Whatever would give you that impression?

• Troutdale's mayor offered Alex Zielinski "a private tour of the city." Apparently, my invitation to give Ms. Zielinski a private tour of my basement rec room is not blog-worthy. Consider your invitation revoked, Ms. Zielinski. Enjoy your time with Mayor Kight.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.