Letters to the Editor

FRUIT LOOT

DEAR MERCURY—To the person that wrote the I, Anonymous
letter about the pear tree [“Low Hanging Fruit,” Aug 27]. You know
what, lighten the eff up. The first time I came to Portland I was 20
years old, [and] that day walking into town I was amazed to see that an
apple was growing on a tree. Fruit doesn’t grow on trees in Texas, I
lived there for 20 years and the only thing that ever fell from a tree
was a pecan. So I ask you, PLEASE… move out of this city and live on
a farm with a shotgun, your paranoid delusions, and a pear tree and
make this city a better place for all of us.

-Beau

WORD TO YOUR MOM

DEAR MERCURY—In response to Rdweathers’ letter to the
editor titled “Morals: Missing” [Letters, Sept 3]: I did not read
Humphrey’s article last week because any of those “key words” jumped
out to reel me in [“My So-Called Hell,” I Love Television, Aug 27]. I
read it because his concise and depraved humor makes me laugh to the
point of pissing my pants. My opinion to you, Mr./Mrs. Morality Rapist,
is that you need to grow a sense of humor with that deformed backbone
of yours. Laughter is a better medicine than “morals.” And by “morals,”
I mean the forceful pursuit of keeping people living in fear by
stifling their giggles because mom might hit their knuckles with a
rolling pin.

-I <3 Kitty Porn

THE LAST WORD

In response to “AlphaMonk543” and “Crake Bailey” [“Exploited by
Eyes” and “To Your Health,” Letters, Sept 3], as well as others who
insist on reducing the stance of myself and the Portland Feminist
Action League (PFAL) to complete drivel, I would like to state, for the
record: We believe in animal rights [“Feminists vs. PETA,” News, Aug
27]. Caring about animals does not, however, have anything to do with
whether I (or anyone else for that matter) am fat, thin, or anywhere in
between. Being critical of PETA’s tactics is not, actually, my favorite
way to spend free time. It’s just that their beer commercial approach
to animal rights is tired, played out, boring, offensive, and divisive.
Individual women have the power to do whatever they want with their
bodies, and we never said otherwise. We do believe, however, that
utilizing the Carl’s Jr. aesthetic to promote animal rights is simple
minded, silly, and counter-productive.

-Erin Fairchild, feminist

POO-POO LE PEW

DEAR MERCURY—Oh Mercury, why do you vex me
so? While I was pleased you devoted some
much-deserved attention to the Oregon Symphony, I was disappointed
by your reviewer’s comment that, for him, Beethoven usually falls
into the “yaaaawn category” [“A Year in Strings,” Music, Sept 3]
Ludwig von Fucking Beethoven!? For those who will listen, his
music continues to be more modern, more interesting, and more complex
than most anything else you’ll hear today. Mr. [Stephen Marc] Beaudoin
can take his too-cool-for-school attitude and shove it up his
a-hole.

-Brian Horay

BALEHEADS FOREVER

Who the hell u callin’ a prick [“The Warm Nostalgia of Choking Bad
Boys,” Geek Out, Sept 3]????? FUCK KEVIN CONROY, CHRISTIAN BALE IS THE
BEST MOST SEXIEST MOST GENUINE BATMAN EVER TO DON THE FREAKIN’ SUIT,
CAPE, OR COWL!!!!!! Stop pickin’ on him, jealous much??? Conroy can
kiss my Bat ass, cause Christian will be back in black come 2011!!!!!
Christian ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BALEHEADS
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE!!!!!!!!!!!!

-posted by BALE*IS*BEST*BATMAN on portlandmercury.com

BECAUSE WE RESPECT PASSION, BALE*IS*BEST*BATMAN wins this
week’s Mercury letter of the week! That means prizes! Two
tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where Christian Bale gets a VIP table.