Letters to the Editor

NO, YOU DO IT, SONORA

DEAR MERCURY—I could not have been more disappointed
and bored with HUMP! [amateur porn festival]. Violence toward women:
check. “Money shots”: check. Boring-ass sex scenes (even though they
were gay they were still boring): check. Phallocentric EVERYTHING
(except for one film at the end?): check. I keep waiting for Portland
to step up and make some gynocentric (even gyno-equal), outrageously
fun smut for people who would like something outside the normal “insert
dick into hole” porn we’re used to. And no, while a meat hook isn’t
usually par for the course, it doesn’t count, especially if the guy has
to step on the woman’s head while he does it. Do it better,
Portland!

-Sonora Greer-Polkow

FTW

DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY—FUCK YOU! I’m guessing the error
message over my comics page is an attempt to be clever [Halloween
Dress-Up Issue, Oct 29]. I have news for you. It’s annoying and not
funny. The rest of this message will now be written in internet
acronyms to befittingly express my anger. PM, WTF?! BMA! US! >:-(
 AFDN, TAH. LOL. TTFN.

-Emily Sandersfeld

ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART…

DEAR MERCURY—Congrats on grt issue, esp BEST
Dinosaur Comix ever [Halloween Dress-Up Issue, Oct 29]. Oh, and
kudos for using Camino for browser borders, which hardly anyone will
recognize.

-140 chars @mklprc

HEY, HEY, WE’RE THE MONKEES

DEAR MERCURY—While Gabe Rodriguez, in
his scatorific denunciation of the Mercury editorial staff
entitled “Tall Bikes & Poopy Pants,” dabbled with the sweet whimsy
of the crossed metaphor, the idea that the knuckle-dragging gutter
monkees that comprise the Mercury editorial staff would have the
brains, balls, and balance that it takes to ride one of those
top-heavy contraptions, strains credulity to the point where my
sphincter aches [Letters, Oct 22].

-Victor “Stinky Finger” Sanchez

TINY BIT OF A SHIT

DEAR MERCURY—I do realize that while a good portion of
Americans could not give a big fuck about soccer, it seems like a
decent number of Americans actually do give a little fuck about soccer
or football as most of the world calls the sport [“Thank You
Ignorance,” Film, Oct 29]. Just check out your friendly neighbors in
the city of Seattle, who come out in big numbers every home game to
watch their pro soccer team, the Seattle Sounders FC, at
Qwest Field. They are getting over 30,000 people to their home games
every game. Don’t forget all the kids and adults that play soccer all
over the USA and I would say that there are many, many Americans that
do give a shit about soccer, not as many as your American sport of
handball (American football), but a decent number I would say of
Americans do give a bit of a shit about soccer!

-Ralph Aquino

NO SHIRT, NO PANTS, NO PIZZA

DEAR MERCURY—Well Mercury, you finally did it.
Last week’s cover with two twentysomethings exposing themselves to the
skyline of our fine city got your paper kicked out of the establishment
I work for [Cover, Oct 22]. See, we recently were taken over by a new
owner who wants to make our staple pizza joint on Southeast Hawthorne a
more “family-friendly” restaurant. So, come last Friday, she stormed
into the kitchen with a stack of the new issue and demanded we “throw
these away immediately!” (Don’t worry Merc, we ran across the
street and placed them lovingly into one of your newsstands.) Sadly, I
now do not know what the future has in store for the existence of your
paper in our restaurant. Before you scoff at our well-intentioned
mother of an owner though, please forgive her—she’s from
Hillsboro.

-Warner Baird

OH, THANKS FOR THE ASSIST, Warner. That would have been a real
waste of paper! You get the letter of the week and two tickets to the
Laurelhurst Theater, plus lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where we have
literally never been kicked out for taking our clothes off.
Literally.