SMUT & CRAP & CYNICISM

TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—”Yeah, I’m calling in
regards to the Portland Mercury. You know, aside from the smut
and the cynicism, I can’t tell your articles on world news from Fox
News. All the presidential bashing of the Iranian president [One Day at
a Time, Oct 4] and the other crap that you post makes me realize that
you’re no better than a syndicate corporate media outlet, and I just
want to say that next time I go by one of your paper boxes, I’ll
probably just throw all the papers in the trash. Or maybe I’ll take a
shit in one of ’em, or piss in one of ’em, and let you know what I
really think of your crap. So, do you want to post some real articles
that actually enlighten the people? Or do you just want to keep
bringing people down and lowering the vibration with nothing but smut
and crap and cynicism?”

NOT IN HIS TOWN

TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL—”Wm. Steven Humphrey, my
name is Leland Waltuck, I’ve got a business in Portland, and I’ve been
in Portland all my life. I read an article in today’s Mercury that bothers me: On pg. 8, “A Burning Issue” [News, Oct 4] by Matt
Davis about a woman who gets arrested by two cops. If your reporter is
accurate in what he says, it burns my ass, and I want to go down and
see Rosie Sizer, and I want to see what the fuck is going on, because
I’m tired of seeing this kind of shit in my town. Who the fuck do these
people think they are to try to fuck around in my town? This is
my town. I’ve been in this town since I was born and raised, I’m
a substantial businessman, and I pay a lot of taxes. Please call me,
because I am tired of reading this kind of crap and I don’t know
whether it’s true or not true, but I sure would like to know because I
am really getting tired of seeing this kind of bullshit. And if nobody
else is doing anything about it, I’ll go down and I’ll break heads. And
I guarantee you we’ll get action, because I don’t know whether you guys
are just reporting, or if you’re actually contacting some of the people
in power and suggesting that they do something about it, or maybe they
just laugh you off—I don’t know. They don’t laugh me off.
Not me, I’ll tell you that.”

NAZI-PHOBES!

DEAR MERCURY—Do you think it’s okay to propagate racist
stereotypes just because your target is white [“!Achtung! Introducing
der New Villamette Veek Logo!” New Column, Oct 4]? Now, I
appreciate a good dig on the decrepit (as in flesh actually dropping
from their bones in ashen clumps) and inane WW as much as the
next guy/gal/androgene, and their new logo is entirely foolish, but can
we get past the whole phony German accent/conflation-with-Nazis thing
already? Besides being way overdone, it’s not even accurate anymore.
The German people have come a long way from their previous humiliation,
and actually have many enviable progressive policies. Guess who the
fascists are now, assholes? If you wanted to make your stupid point in
a less stupid way (though still exceedingly stupid), why don’t you give
the guy an American accent? And anyway, their logo looks more like
Russian agitprop than a swastika, so if you are going to perpetuate a
stereotype, AT LEAST PICK THE RIGHT FUCKING ONE. Morons.

Ryan Spangler

BEST IN THE WEST

DEAR MERCURY—I am sorry, but that shit about The
Heartbreak Kid is the best movie review I’ve read since David Denby
thought Talladega Nights was patriotic [“Hooray for Abortion,”
Film, Oct 4]. Except Lindy West’s review was actually accurate and made
sense according to human logic. “Call me César Chávez”?
“As everyone knows, wives are fucking awful”? Good lord. It is rare
that the Mercury makes me LOL, but in this case I have to hand
it to you. I love to read a withering screed of Truth. Give that woman
(man?) a raise, STAT.

Mrs. B. Jangles, ex-Portlander unfortunately transplanted to the
hellhole that is Los Angeles

RIGHT ON RUIZ

HEY ALL—Wow! Gee! Gush! Now that I have all the love stuff
out: I am impressed with clear, succinct, and unbiased reporting by Amy
J. Ruiz on the renaming of Interstate Avenue. Thanks.

Julie, Overlook Neighbor

CONGRATULATIONS TO JULIE for keeping her letter literally short
and sweet! For getting to the (flattering) point, Julie wins the Mercury letter of the week! She gets two tickets to the Laurelhurst
Theater, and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where filling your hungry
belly with food is the point.