[EDITOR’S NOTE: The year’s end is always a good time for personal
reflection on past triumphs, as well as mistakes that have been made,
so that one may go into the future armed with the knowledge gained from
experience… Obviously, we’re talking about YOU. Here are the
best letters we got from Mercury readers in 2007. Join us after
our break, for our first issue of ’08, hitting the streets January
10!]
AN OLD GUY’S TWO CENTS
DEAR MERCURY—My single biggest gripe about sex
[possibly in reference to the Mercury Sex Survey, Feature, Feb
8] is that I have to go to Nevada to get laid legally for money. As an
old guy, it is impossible to get laid legally by a hot chick in this
state. But in Nevada I can get them half my age in pairs. A lot of old
guys have just given up trying to get laid. I see it as a mental health
issue. It is a damn shame that a lot of good men [who] have worked all
their lives have to give up getting laid due to legal, societal
interference. Oregon can kiss my ass about where I spend my vacation
money. Fuck the coast. Fuck Mt. Hood. I go to the Bunny Ranch and fuck
’til I can’t walk anymore and crawl out to my car.
Old Guy Loves Mercury
NOW WITH LESS OFFENSIVE!
DEAR MERCURY—I couldn’t find anything to get
pretentious and/or witty about in your latest issue [April 12]. Who
threw in the towel? Come on, fucking offend my sensibilities already!
Slaughter something more conventional, like a family dog, and then
write about it. Now that would be truly punk. Do some shots or
something. Get mean!
Coach Stan Dovermeandpooponmychest
DARK LORD OF ERROR
GREETINGS, MAGGOTS—You hipster douchebag retards think you’re
so clever, don’t you? If you hadn’t been so busy chortling at ancient
pictures of Immortal during your “cool new black metal phase,” you’d
know that King left Gorgoroth months ago due to ideological conflicts
within the band [Music Issue, May 10]. There’s just no WAY that he’d be
chillin’ with Infernus and rooting for the Brewers after all that bad
blood! Burn on a crooked cross.
J
A GOOD HIPPIE JOKE
DEAR MERCURY—Galactic [doesn’t] by any means or by the
broadest definition qualify as a hippie jam band [Music, July 5]. I
listen to Galactic for the same reasons I drink the best brew and smoke
the finest herb, it beats the shit out of listening to excruciating
boring music like the Decemberists, drinking corporate piss like Pabst,
or paying top dollar to my hippie dealer for grade B commercial herb
because he doesn’t like my cooler-than-thou snotty stuck-up hipster
bitch attitude. Oh, and how original: a hippie patchouli slam. The
thing is, ignorant fucks like you don’t have the olfactory senses to
realize that petro-chemical toxic underarm deodorants, perfumes, and
colognes smell just as bad! You want to hear a good hippie joke? How
many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? One to change it,
10 to record it, and a few thousand to follow it around the country
after it’s burnt out.
Shameless Hippie
HARRY POTTER: SPOILED!
DEAR MERCURY—You motherfuckers! I was so mad when I saw
you leaked a page of the new Harry Potter book in your publication last
week [New Column!, July 19]! I was fucking pissed… then I realized
that I am a 22-year-old man who was planning to wait around with 500
children at midnight on a Friday night to get a kid’s book. Oh
Portland Mercury, what have I become?
Ryan Whyte
IT’S TRADITION
DEAR MERCURY—It’s that time of the year again. That
time I write to you and tell you how much you fuck pigs. You dirty,
dirty pig fuckers. Well, I guess my job here is done. See you next
year.
Noah Adams
WE’RE ON VACATION!
To give our employees a well-earned
rest, the Mercury will NOT be published next week! This issue
contains all the listings you need for the next two weeks, and we hope
you’ll rejoin us as we emerge once again, refreshed, renewed, and ready
to roar on THURSDAY, JANUARY 10! (If you miss us too much, check in for
daily updates at Blogtown, PDX—blogtown.portlandmercury.com.)