WHAT THE KOOKS SAY

DEAR MERCURY—When Ann Romano writes about my church,
the Church of Scientology, she sounds just like the Anonymous guys [One
Day at a Time, ongoing]. They picket outside my church, yelling
insults at us when we walk in, wearing masks making them look like
terrorists. They say my church will attack them!!! My church is
made up of real people. Ann and her friends, Anonymous, obviously have
religious beliefs different from mine, that’s their choice and I
have no right to attack those beliefs. But Anonymous thinks I am
brainwashed and have no right to decide what I want to believe in.
Ann’s articles sound just as kooky and insane as Anonymous does when
attacking my religion. One of the Anonymous guys, he wears a top
hat and mask, he acts like he has been up at OHSU having experiments
done on his brain, or maybe electric shock treatment, so now his brain
resembles tater tots. Ann, stop putting down and
attacking my religion, get your facts straight, stop going along with
what the kooks say.

Barbara Hogan

EMPEROR KLAKTU OF RIGEL VII RESPONDS: Earthling Barbara Hogan,
thank you for kind words! I too feel that Ann Romano’s closed-minded
bigotry is nothing less than an intergalactic travesty! But never
fear—soon, the Regulan bloodworms I holo-ported into Ann Romano’s
humanoid frontal lobes shall viciously cleanse her of her
misperceptions about our brainwa—er, what was that charming human
word you used, Barbara Hogan? Ah, yes! Religion! Our religion! In
closing, when Tom Cruise and I have conquered your pathetic planet and
stripped it of its resources, I look forward to feasting on your tater
tot brai—er, posting more pictures of your pitiable planet’s
adorable “kittens” on my harmless blog, which can be enjoyed
at emperorklaktu.blogspot.com! Indeed, I command you to go
there now—and may the mighty spectral form of L. Ron Hubbard
grant you mercy should you fail to post a comment!

EVERYONE IN SEATTLE KNOWS EACH OTHER

DEAR MERCURY—Why is the Portland Mercury allowing a writer from Seattle to write up a Seattle group
[Truckasauras] who was the support for a show here in Portland [Up
& Coming, Music, May 22]? And who didn’t notice that the
disrespectful write up reads like a MySpace bulletin? From what I’ve
noticed, the Mercury is attempting to reach out to the
electronic music community, but what I don’t understand is why Mr.
Mizell was allowed to write a piece that was clearly to help his
buddies get bigger in Portland. 

Joee Irwin

MY GRANDMA SUCKS

DEAR MERCURY—Your paper’s refusal to accept electronic
music and report the talent behind it is pathetic [Up & Coming,
Music, May 22]. Apparat was the headlining act on Thursday’s
show at Holocene, not hillbilly-infused elctro rockers Truckasauras. I
know that it may be kitsch to review a bunch of guys in overalls and
John Deere hats rockin’ the Airwolf theme song, but so is
watching my grandma throw it down on a Roland 808. You know why no one
is reviewing my grandma? Because she sucks—especially compared to
Apparat.

Apolinario Ancheta  

POOR PERVERTS

DEAR SIRS AND MADAMS—You have done irreparable harm to the
community of Peeping Toms by publishing this week’s I, Anonymous [“Made
You Look,” May 22]. The key element of any Peeping Tom mission is an
unaware populace of nubile young lovelies, something now compromised by
journalistic irresponsibility. You may not have any problems seeing
naked women with your seersucker suits and waxed handlebar mustaches,
but the good lord has plagued me with roadblock after roadblock on my
quest for naked little vixens. Can I help that whenever I’m two feet
away from a pretty girl I urinate my pants violently? No I can’t,
that’s why I have to get my jollies in unconventional manners. If your
newspaper has any credibility, it will out the source of the I,
Anonymous and give the community this person’s address. Maybe if we all
knew if a ladder was necessary to see in his or her’s neighbors’
window, maybe then America will be a truly free country.

James Sherbondy

OH GOSH, we’ve offended a lot of people this week! Let’s see,
Scientologists, fans of Apparat… but Peeping Toms? Now we’ve
really done it. We won’t take it back, but we will give James two
tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater (try and behave yourself in there)
and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where the shades are always
open.