BICYCLISTS: MAY I NAG YOU?

TO THE EDITOR: This is for all you whining bicyclists out there. Welcome to the world of adults you slobbering idiots. The government is systematically eroding our freedoms, and all you can complain about is that you can’t disregard rules very sensibly put in place for your safety. People in cars must obey the laws or face the consequences—but you think you’re exempt. The road is not a playground, but rather a place populated by adults who are trying to get somewhere. If you really want fun, ride one of the thousands of trails designed for that purpose. What is it about stopping at a stop sign that deletes the fun from riding anyway? Ironically, it is your gross disregard for traffic laws that has necessitated the recent actions of police. I’m glad they’re finally cracking down, and your mewling is only evidence that it is working. 

A child defines freedom as being able to do whatever it wants. Adults know that freedom means taking personal responsibility for your behavior and thus your destiny; maybe you will one day realize that, or maybe you will get T-boned first: personally, I’m hoping for the latter.

Ben Marston

I LIKE TO NAG BICYCLISTS, TOO!

TO THE TWO-WHEELING TURDS (certain bicyclists): I am mainly a motorist due to the commute I must make from Northeast Portland to my work in Lake Oswego. However, when I lived in the Brooklyn neighborhood I had a bike, so I know what it’s like to cycle Portland. With all the tension between cyclists and motorists lately, it’s no surprise to see cyclists being a little more aggressive and hot headed. That, plus all the pretentious cyclists that already have a chip on their shoulders for motorists, is a recipe for creating a surplus of Two Wheelin’ Turds. Just today a guy on a bike wearing his ridiculous spandex racing gear blew right through a stop sign as I was trying to turn. I guess he thought I was too close, so he spit on my car. WTF? Then he began yelling like I’d just committed some heinous crime.

Breaking the law and getting pissed at motorists is only going to give cyclists in Portland a bad name, and may lead to road rage resulting in someone going to the hospital. Motorists as well as cyclists need to share the road and coexist. Neither is going away, so make the best out of it.

Anonymous

NERD HUMOR IS FREAKING HOT!

TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: I just had to tell you with all sincerity, that I’m a huge fan! I love your article [I Love Television™] so much! It is so funny and clever and complete total nerd humor, which is freaking hot and I just had to tell you how much I appreciate you. I read it every week just to see what craziness you’re going to come up with next. Keep up the good work, and thanks for making me laugh!

JB  

IN DEFENSE OF BRIBERY

DEAR MERCURY: In regards to KJ bribery: My long-held suspicions that Chopsticks II KJs accept bribes was confirmed last year when my then-girlfriend purchased a sweet spot in line with a $5 tip (and further verified by your article on KJs [“King of the KJs,” Feature, July 31]). At first I took deep moral offense at this corruption, but then took it in stride. After all, when I go to other karaoke bars they actually PAY me $5 after hearing my life-changing rendition of “Nights in White Satin” by the Moody Blues.

Dan Groth

CONGRATULATIONS TO DAN GROTH for three things: (1) winning the Mercury letter of the week, (2) changing our lives with his rendition of “Nights in White Satin”—seriously, after hearing it, we stopped smoking crack and started going back to church, and (3) not being a goddamn nag about bicyclists. OKAY, PEOPLE… WE GET IT. “Bicyclists shouldn’t blow through stop signs.” Now can you PLEASE shut the eff up? You’re worse than our mom. Dan, you’ll receive two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish! where they’re too busy serving delicious food to nag.

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10 replies on “LETTERS TO THE EDITOR”

  1. We need to have “bike only” and “car only” streets. Not lanes. Then “car only” neighborhoods, “bike only” restaurants and vice versa. “Bike only” bathrooms and “car only” water fountains.
    Eventually, bike vs. car wars. Then we’ll settle this once and for all or we wont.

  3. I call bullshit! I’m so sick of these double standards. Just the other day I saw a cyclist pick up their bike and take it into a store, but when I took my car into an Arbys’ dining room guess who goes to jail again? That’s right, yours truly. We need to start holding these people accountable.

  4. Thanks Jacomus. I am a twit.
    I drive a bike and a car. The bike vs. car issue is idiotic to me.
    If you can’t handle driving a bike and or a car in the city then you should go back to the suburbs, country, Sahara desert, etc..
    Learn how to correctly operate your machinery, or get hurt. It is simple. Those that don’t know the rules will learn them eventually and probably during unfortunate circumstances.

  5. I’d like to comment on the reaction of the idiot Ben Marston and other morons who share his ideals. The fact that people have written to complain about the complaining of cyclists in town, demonstrates a general hatred towards everyone on two wheels that could easily turn to aggression on the road. If you’re willing to attack us on paper, you’re probably willing to purposely “teach us a lesson” about who is King of the Road. Marston writes that we should go ride one of the “thousands of trails” that are designed for us to ride if we want fun. Tell me, where are these “thousands of trails”? We’re not allowed on the Forest Park because all the yuppies don’t want to share the woods. Now we’re hated on the road because we voice our belief that our safety should be respected. So, where are we to ride? We’re illegal in Forest Park, and we’re sitting ducks on the road.
    Some bicyclists don’t obey the rules of the road, and I get just as mad at them, as any other huge SUV-driving portland resident on his way to the Starbucks two blocks from home. Some of these cyclists really ask for it. But, the majority just want to get to where they are going, alive.
    I bet most of the drivers doing the complaining don’t know what it’s like to ride the Portland streets. They know their kind. They’re too afraid.

  6. Let’s see now: what kind of consideration do bicyclists give pedestrians? A wide berth? Do they slow down? Or do they weave in amongst us and swipe by us as we walk on our designated sidewalks? Do bikes stop for pedestrians or swerve around them? Cyclists are tyrannical little babyheads who want it both ways all the time: rules are for everyone else. Liberals, every one of them.

  8. I usually drive. My goal with cyclist is to avoid killing them. They don’t always seem like they are helping me out. Certain streets are really bad for bikes. Here is helpful site for cyclist to find a safe route. http://www.bycycle.org/ Why can’t we all just get along?

  9. Jacomus,
    Sorry. Boy have I got an ego.
    Aside from that. Bikes look good on cars, cars dont look good on bikes. My bike has been under a car with my body on top of the car. That looks good.

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