[Read all of the articles in our Love/Sex issue HERE! Looking for a print copy? Look at this handy-dandy map!—eds.]

What’s happening, hot stuffs? Welcome to this very special Trash Report for our LOVE/SEX issue. Some may say that love is a many-splendored thing. Others may say: love is a bitch. If you’re down and out during this red heart season, come sit next to me, and let’s gossip about some famous people who have recently seen the business end of a breakup Post-it.

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The most devastating breakup of 2024 was, of course, Bennifer 2.0, AKA the second falling out of love of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. I’m not going to lie: this one hurt. When Jen and Ben reconciled during those dark days of early COVID, and we got the paparazzi pictures of him smoking outside, like he just gotten laid ten kinds of sideways, with his face to the sun as if he’d found a newly restored faith in God—we needed that! It gave us hope that things were going to be okay. It was a pandemic balm not unlike being able to buy a really big thing of toilet paper, having a friend who knew how to make bread, or not dying. It makes me so mad because we know Ben Affleck dragged her back and then he’s the one who decided he couldn’t hang; like, yeah, J.Lo is probably a hard person to be married to, but that’s why none of us are trying to do it! She didn’t deserve that! The hubris of white men!!

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Phew. Okay, in lower stakes breakups: Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott called it quits last year after 16 years of marriage. In addition to her breakout role as Donna Martin in Beverly Hills 90210, Tori has made a name for herself by naming stuff after herself; such vanity projects include titles Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, So NoTORIous, True Tori, Tori & Dean: Cabin Fever, Tori & Dean: Inn Love, and sTORI Telling, among others. I don’t know if Tori will want to do a reality series based on her divorce, but if she does, she’s got a TON of options! Might I suggest The True sTORI, Uncharted TerriTORI, The DiTOR(i)ce, or TORIrreconcilable Differences? And then if Dean wants in on his own show, it could be called Dean McDersplit.

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Jason & Lisa GETTY IMAGES

Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet are getting divorced after seven years of marriage. I think this is one of those things like how it’s inadvisable to eat ice cream while you’re having sex? Like sometimes two really beautiful things simply do not work together. There can be too much perfection in one spot. Bonet and Momoa are, quite simply, too hot. Having sparks constantly flying is not a sustainable way to live. It’s like buying a house in a wildfire zone: just try getting homeowner’s insurance when you’ve living in a tinderbox and the whole damn thing could explode at any moment.

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And on this same family tree, Lisa Bonet’s adult daughter Zoe Kravitz (from Bonet’s marriage to Lenny Kravitz—another pairing too white-hot to survive) recently split from her fiancé, actor Channing Tatum, after three years together. It was some weird timing—Kravitz’s directorial debut film Blink Twice starred Tatum, and the two did the red carpet rounds as an engaged couple, and only when that was over were they like, “ummmmmmmm… never mind.” Going from being a couple who was super busy with work to being a couple who is home together all the time with nothing else going on will certainly strain a relationship! Just ask anyone who spent a tense lockdown with a significant other. I will miss seeing them getting photographed together, though; their vibes were always chaotically mismatched, and I guess I never really bought Kravitz as a wife-of-a-bucket-hat-guy kind of gal.

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Horny pixie dream girl Sabrina Carpenter and actor Barry Keoghan broke up after only a year of dating. I don’t know how quickly albums are produced and which, if any, songs on her latest Short n’ Sweet album are about Barry, but I do wonder about lyrics like “you’re so dumb and poetic / it’s just what I fall for, I like the aesthetic” and “this boy doesn’t even know the difference between there their and they are” and “we love to mistake butterflies for cardiac arrest.” Was this split foretold months ago when she was writing the album and blasted him for being a himbo dumbass? Then again, the other 90 percent of the album is about being sexed up and good, so we can call it a mixed bag as far as lyrical hints go.

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Cardi & Offset Catherine powell / getty images

Cardi B and Offset broke up after seven years together, which included many offs and ons, three babies, and several rounds of alternating between blasting each other and then declaring profound love on social media. While the toxicity meter is off the charts, I’m so grateful for these two for giving us so much. After all, who among us during yet another nasty split hasn’t wanted to tweet to EIGHT HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE to “please take this man off my hands, the garbage bag is too heavy!!” Cardi did that. Nearly a billion people read that. God, it’s got to feel amazing. For her credit, Cardi B did also clarify that she didn’t want him to get hit by a truck. That is MATURITY, people.

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Megan & Machine Gun Getty images

Another off and on couple that, as of this writing, is off, is Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly. I wonder if she finally realized how stupid his stage name is, or if something else is going on? Again, the timing here is a bitch, as Fox and MGK had just confirmed her pregnancy with their first baby together following an earlier miscarriage. And you know what? This bums me out. These are two people I want to get back together. Sure, it was annoying when they went to the Met Ball a few years ago and they were constantly licking each other in all the pictures, but I’d rather they be licking each other than licking somebody else.

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Who am I kidding: I want all these couples to get back together! I love a complicated love story. I mean, they aren’t making a fourth Bridget Jones movie because we like things to be settled. The back and forth is the fun stuff! Some of us are in very boring (but fulfilling!) relationships; we need rich and beautiful people to do wild shit so we can question their judgment whilst being very smug in our own! We are but starving trash pandas, digging through the garbage cans that are the celebrity gossip industry, gnawing on broken hearts for clicks, but as romantic trash pandas, hoping to put those hearts back together again. (For more clicks. But also: for love.)

Yours in love and garbage,

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