My fiancee saw this and said "We can't rent those. It looks like a klan rally for chairs."

We’re under budget on our Save The Dates. That’s good news. We’re spending money on pre-invitations to warn people that the real invitations are coming. That’s dumb.

Save The Dates (STDs) are necessary because it would be ghastly to get invited to an event without being forewarned about the invitation’s arrival. We spent about $200 on them including paper, printing, photos, envelopes, and postage. It’s not a bad deal as far as STDs go, but couldn’t we just send an eVite and then use that $200 to make it rain during the first dance?

Much dumber are chair covers. They’re white cloth and ribbon combos that you put over your chairs because it would be GHASTLY to have people sit on uncovered chairs. They run between $1.50 and $5/chair cover (To rent! You don’t even get to keep them in case you have another stupid wedding later). We will not be renting chair covers because my fiancee saw this picture of them and decided she didn’t like them:

My fiancee saw this and said We cant rent those. It looks like a klan rally for chairs.
  • My fiancee: “We can’t rent those. They make it look like a klan rally for chairs.”

Cake toppers are those little plastic people you put on top of the wedding cake to remind people they’re at a wedding. Because a wedding cake without action figures would be ghastly.

These are shockingly expensive ($50 for basic ones and they go [way] up from there) and for many couples, another chance to make a horrible decision. For example, this topper which I was told is a best seller.

Why would you advertise that he doesnt love you?
  • Why would you advertise that he doesn’t love you?

We’re still undecided about a cake topper, but I’m lobbying for this one because there aren’t enough mermice in the world.

Mermice: less sexy than mermaids, less scary than mice.
  • Mermice: less sexy than mermaids, less scary than mice.

Alex is a moderately attractive comedian and Internet celebrity. He writes about philosophy, robots, travel, and himself.

13 replies on “Dispatch From The Wedding-Industrial Complex: Dumb Expenses”

  2. Chair covers are completely heinous. There is no way for them to look good. As a wedding caterer, I don’t think I ever saw a situation improved by chair covers. They make the room look crowded and cheap, like a curb-side sofa with an ill-fitting cover.

    And since we’re complaining about wedding trends: CUPCAKES. Do not do cupcakes unless you are the most laid-back couple in the history of weddings. In fact, don’t do cupcakes unless your wedding was just held on the fly in the courthouse and someone picked them up on the way there. You will have no cake left by the time the cake cutting comes around because people (adults, not just children) are somehow psychically compelled to attack an arrangement of cupcakes the very second they arrive in a room.

  3. “We can’t rent those. They make it look like a klan rally for chairs.”

    Your fiance is way funnier than you, it’s clear that she’s marrying down.

  4. All wedding expenses are dumb expenses. The marriage license costs like $50. Everything else is superfluous.

    Divorces, however, cost like $300, and tons more if you need a lawyer. Maybe start a fund from your save-the-date savings?

    I am, by the way, an ordained minister. Want me to perform your wedding? It’ll be romantic, I promise.

  8. there are literally hundreds of stupid expenses, but save the dates are important because, yes, your 70 year old aunt isnt going to even open the evite, and 8 weeks (the lead time on most invites) isn’t enough time to make travel plans for a lot of people!

    im a wedding planner and my favorite thing is DECONSTRUCTING THE PRINCESS PARTY! lets have a cool thing that represents YOU instead of some weird patriarchal song and dance, you know?

    there are a milli ways to save money — buy a used dress! dont wear a tux! do beer and wine (or no booze at all!) instead of an open bar/champagne! have a barbecue instead of a 6 course plated dinner! have your loved ones make various deserts and do a desert bar instead of a ridic cake! — but the things that make sure your loved ones can get to the wedding, like save the dates, are important.

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