On June 7th, you probably felt a disturbance in the Force. Maybe you started crying for seemingly no reason. Maybe you got into a fight over something stupid and small. Maybe you just woke up in a foul mood. It probably left you feeling confused and hurt on an emotional level, and it haunted you because you couldn’t figure out why you felt the way you did.
Well, now you can rest easy. Over the weekend, Redshirts author John Scalzi discovered the dumbest article in the history of the internet. It’s titled “10 Pranks That Will Spice Up Your Relationship,” and it had to have been assigned and written by lesser monsters from the dark realms (a dire rat, maybe, or a stirge or kobold of some sort). It’s the nadir of internet journalism. Here are a few of the “pranks”:
3. If you’re feeling silly, stuff tissues or newspaper into his shoes so that he can’t get his feet in. Write “SURPRISE!” on each one — he’ll see the message as he pulls them out.
6. The old sticker-on-the-back routine of the “Kick Me” variety is not very clever, and it’s certainly not nice — but it is pretty funny. Try “Hug Me” instead, and wait for him to come home and tell you about his bizarre office encounters.
Everything about this article, from the shitty stock photo on down, is terrible. It’s dumb, offensively inoffensive, and creepy. It’s almost a parody, but because it’s Fox News, you know it’s for real. On the plus side, the internet can only improve from here!
(Via Third Place Press on Twitter.)
I’ve been reliably informed that a new bottom is plumbed every time Paul Constant makes a blog post.
Surprisingly, the comments on that article are hilarious.
What tomfoolery!
These pranks probably do well to “spice up” the relationships of the typical Fox News viewer, median age = 83.