Every year, the Mercury publishes a thoughtful, well-reasoned list of things that existed in the previous year but should not be “invited back” to the New Year under any circumstances. However, since we’ve entered into a brand new decade, we’re expanding our scope to include things from the last 10 years that should also definitely disappear and never come back. We know you will agree with everything written here.
[Note: Due to some kind of weird clerical error, “Donald Trump and his cadre of morally bankrupt Republican cronies” were excluded from this list… but it’s kind of a given, right? Because of course Donald Trump should be disinvited to everything forever, and similarly, so should every last Republican. (Yes, even you so-called “nice” Republicans, who we’ve come to learn are actually just a bunch of shitty enablers. Byeeeee!)—Wm. Steven Humphrey, Editor-in-Chief]
What follows is not a popular opinion, but it is an inarguable fact: YOU ARE BEING HOODWINKED. Baby Yoda is no different from the G.I. Joes, Bratz, Transformers, and Muppet Babies of your youth—all of which were created for one sole purpose: selling toys and taking your money. Look at yourself: You are an adult, and you have formed an emotional attachment… to a puppet. And actually… you know what? Nothing about The Mandalorian is very good—especially Carl Weathers and (hell yeah, I’m gonna say it) Werner Herzog, who are both absolutely terrible actors. AND it’s all on the most useless, redundant streaming service in the world, Disney+, where you pay $6.99 a month for the opportunity to watch a) movies you’ve seen A BILLION times, and b) every single episode of Girl Meets World, which somehow is more terrible than Carl Weathers, Werner Herzog, and Baby “Bullshit Marketing Ploy” Yoda combined! (You may now commence stone-throwing.)—WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY