Water should not have calories. I say this because it seems we’ve forgotten that fact. If you’re drinking some kind of bottled “water” and you’re concerned that it has too many calories, then you’re not actually drinking water. What you are drinking is weak juice. Also, any product that claims to have fewer calories than your current “water” is also not water because, as I noted before, water should not have calories. Zero. Zip. Nada. If you happen to be drinking a flavored beverage without calories, you’re being ripped off. Essentially what you’re drinking is the weakest juice known to man, which is still not water.

The only way we can combat this shit is by being sensible. If you’re working out, all you need is water (unless you’re an elite athlete like Matt Davis who tells me he also requires electrolytes). If you’re a busy executive worried about hydration, all you need is water. If you’re a soccer mom or a hobo or the King of fucking Spain, all you need is water.

If you want flavor, drink juice. Actual juice. Or eat a piece of fruit and then drink a glass of water.

You want vitamins? There are plenty of multi-vitamins on the market. Pick one. You are not so busy that you need to put vitamins in your water. In fact, if you’re taking vitamins in pill form, you’re using the water to swallow them anyway. It’s essentially the same thing.

Why am I getting so worked up? Take a gander at this press release I just received:

HINT naturally and light flavored water is a great way for your readers to get a flavor-fix without the nasty, useless calories and carbs, and with no added sugar it’s the perfect beverage to keep you hydrated without the stress of calorie-counting.

You know what else is the perfect beverage to keep you hydrated without the stress of calorie-counting? It’s called water. It’s free at numerous Benson bubblers across the city. But then again, Miley Cyrus and Victoria Beckham would never be caught dead drinking water.

Sometimes, I’m pretty sure we’re all doomed.