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Greetings, potential Blogtown investors. Unlike my previous friends-helping-friends financial scheme or my blatant Amway product placement (“Tonight the Blazers’ defense is as effective as Amway’s Legacy of Clean™ Dishwasher Detergent”), I have a real can’t-miss investment opportunity for you all: Let’s buy the Sternwheeler River Boat!

Holy crap, it’s a downright steal at only $160k. No longer will us citizens of Blogtown have to be a part of the corrupt United States government with its socialist Kenyan president and unjust taxation of the common man. We’ll be free to float in the international waters of the Willamette River, unfettered by dry land’s pesky “regulations” and “laws.” From plural marriage to Pai Gow, everything will be legal on the S.S. Blogtown (note to self: you should confirm this before buying the boat).

All Blogtown citizens who contribute $1000 will get a piece of this fine sea vessel, so let’s fire up the Kickstarter and start funding this can’t-miss investment.

Ezra Ace Caraeff is the former Music Editor for the Mercury, and spent nearly a third of his life working at the paper. More importantly, he is the owner of Olive, the Mercury’s unofficial office dog....

11 replies on “Blogtown Investment Opportunity: Let’s Buy a Boat!”

  5. If you hold the next blogtown meet up there, you can write it off as a business expense.

    What’s a write off, you ask? You know, you just write it off!

  6. @Scrum, I don’t see why we can’t pee in the Willamette from the riverbank, let alone a boat. It’s all going to end up there anyway, right?

    If Blogtown does buy the Willamette, they should rename it the Mercury. And then ceremonially drown that stupid corgi Bruce. While we all pee in it.

  8. While you’re at it, that old building just south of Paranoid Park is for sale for $4.95 million. A whole building! Old! And big! “The Mercury Building” has a nice ring to it, and only 5 mil!

  9. I’m not sure where I came up with this idea, but there might be some money to be made in letting women pee off the side of things.

  11. @Todd: I would gladly pay $5 to pee off of most things.

    Maybe WW needs a dog walker. And then I could pee on trees, and blame it on the dog. And then Bruce would get arrested for public urination, and then we wouldn’t have to drown him in the river. BWAAHAHAHA.

    Wait.

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