THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

8:30 NBC THE OFFICE

Season Premiere! Michael accidentally outs Oscar—bringing down a gay jihad on his head.

10:00 ABC SIX DEGREES

Debut! Six New York strangers have no idea of their impact on each other's lives. (And NO, Kevin Bacon isn't one of them.)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

8:00 CBS GHOST WHISPERER

Season Premiere! The ghosts stage an intervention with Melinda, begging her to start SPEAKING UP.

8:00 FOX NANNY 911

Out of control triplets and a childish father cause a stressed-out mom to go all Andrea Yates.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

9:00 SCI KRAKEN: TENTACLES OF THE DEEP—Movie

(2006) Undersea scientists are terrorized by a giant hiphop squid, who keeps telling them to "get it crackin'!"

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

9:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

Season Premiere! The producers have promised that this season will be more entertaining. Really? So sorry to put you to any trouble!

10:00 ABC BROTHERS & SISTERS

Debut! Calista Flockhart plays an Ann Coulter-ish conservative radio host—as if we needed another reason to hate her!

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

9:00 NBC HEROES

Debut! Ordinary people develop super powers—and yet what happens when I try to get bitten by a radioactive spider? ZILCH.

9:00 CW RUNAWAY

Debut! Wrongly accused of murder, a father takes his family on the lam. Can we at least stop for ice cream first?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

8:00 CW GILMORE GIRLS

Season Premiere! After a blowout with Luke, hot MILF Lorelai hops in the sack with Christopher.

8:00 FOX HOUSE

Dr. House finds a unique way to treat a 10-year-old who inexplicably screams—with a ball gag.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

8:00 CBS JERICHO

With a nuclear fallout cloud on the way, Jake improvises a makeshift shelter out of duct tape and condoms.

9:00 ABC LOST

For those who thrive on confusion, here's a Lost clip show covering the last two seasons.