BECAUSE I AM a total fucking idiot, I offered to write this R.I.P.D. review for the Mercury. So I carved two hours out of my weekend and paid money to see it. Spending a sunny Sunday afternoon alone at this movie was a low point of my 2013—a year spent growing out my bangs and getting a divorce.

But I did it, and now I will tell you about it.

So! Ryan Reynolds stars as a cop who dies and becomes a member of the "Rest in Peace Department," a league of GHOST COPS. He is partnered with none other than Jeff fucking Bridges. They use futuristic laser guns to chase ghost-monsters—deformed demons who have escaped God's judgment and can run on top of buildings—and they save the world by collecting gold. At one point, Jeff Bridges tells a story about being skull-fucked by coyotes, and at another point, Christian Slater bashes Ryan Reynolds's face repeatedly with a rock. At one point, it RAINS CARS.

"But Elinor," you say. "This sounds fucking awesome!" I know, you guys; it does sound awesome. And even though it's just a cheap ripoff of Men in Black, perhaps it could have been awesome. Alas, it fucking sucks. It's boring, predictable, stupid, and not cool-looking. The demons were not scary. (Fat Elvis with a whale's tail? PLEASE.) I was checking my watch during the car-raining scene, angry that there could even be that many fucking cars in Boston.

And none of it even made sense! I didn't get how some ghosts turned into monsters—it had something to do with snorting cumin? Why could some of the monsters run on walls, but not all of them? Why did their faces look like that? And, Jesus, does Ryan Reynolds's agent just totally fucking hate him or what?

A thousand more questions like this could be written about this stupid, stupid movie, but I have already wasted far too much time on this. Please: Do not make the same mistake.