Shit yes they are.

First things first: SPEAKERS ON. MAXIMUM VOLUME. LET’S DO THIS.

Know why that’s the greatest YouTube of all time? ‘Cause it’s based off of the greatest movie of all time, 1985’s Commando, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as professional ass-kicker John Matrix and Alyssa Milano as his adorable daughter, Jenny Matrix.

Shit yes they are.
  • Shit yes they are.

So, you ready for your day to get shit on? Okay, here: Deadline (via AICN) is reporting that “20th Century Fox is going Commando again, setting David Ayer to write and direct a reboot of the 1985 film that became one of the building blocks that transformed Arnold Schwarzenegger from bodybuilder to superstar.” They add that the star of the new film will be “less brawny, but more skilled in covert tactics and weaponry.”

Fuck you. My anger knows no bounds. EVERYONE knows that the only way to do a Commando sequel is to do it with Schwarzenegger and Milano, picking up 25 years after the original. John and Jenny still live in the woods, where they feed deer and chop wood and practice kung fu and laugh and laugh and laugh and make breakfast and occasionally go out for ice cream, and Rae Dawn Chong comes by for occasional visits. UNTIL, that is, some bad dudes come and kidnap Rae Dawn Chong—meaning John and Jenny have to team up to get her back! Which means killing a lot of people! A good title for this would be Commando 2: Commandos.

I guarantee you that the above paragraph is 10 times better than whatever Fox will actually make as a reboot. ANGER. SEETHING.

Man. There’s only one thing I can watch right now that’ll make me feel better.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=pw1HO64Y0Cg%26hl%3Den_US%26fs%3D1%26rel%3D0

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

13 replies on “A <i>Commando</i> Reboot? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME”

  2. I have missed the beauty of Commando (hanging head in shame) and the library appears not to have a copy (multcolib hanging head in shame).

    I would like to note my appreciation of Freddy Mercury’s mustache.

  6. Also this might be a perfect candidate for my summer film series I am holding at my apartment theater which I am announcing right here in the comments.

    I might even suggest this before Ladyhawke.

  8. @Kiala That series sounds like a good time. I would suggest adding Cobra to that list along with Running Man.

    But on that note, my initial response to seeing this on another site earlier this morning was, “Where is the Cobra reboot?”

    Next on the reboot list should be Over the Top.

  9. The only strong point of Cobra is that Stalone goes by the absolutely glorious name of Marion ‘Cobra’ Cobretti. The rest of the movie was only OK. So the solution here is actually Cobra 2: More Cobra.

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