DRVAGRY

• Nicolas Cage plays an escapee from Hell named “Milton.” (Eh? Eh?)

• Milton seeks vengeance against the leader of a cult of hillbilly devil worshippers.

• Said hillbilly devil worshippers want to kill Milton’s baby granddaughter.

• Beyond that not very much is clear, but at its heart, this is a film about someone trying to save a baby, so it’s not that different than Willow.

• To enact his vengeance, Nicolas Cage (A) shoots hillbilly devil worshippers and (B) drives a ’69 Dodge Charger with a bumper sticker that reads “I BRAKE 4 PUSSY”.

• Meanwhile, the Charger’s license plate reads “DRVAGRY”.

• The real owner of the Charger is, naturally, a super hot chick (Amber Heard) who tags along with Cage because hey, why not.

• Amber Heard spends most of the time in Drive Angry wearing super short Daisy Duke cutoff jeans.

• Come to think of it, that’s not the only similarity that Drive Angry has to the classic 1979 television series The Dukes of Hazzard.

• Several key scenes take place at a roadhouse named “Bull by the Balls.” This is the best name ever of a bar in a movie (sorry, Titty Twister).

• Cage is being hunted by an agent of Satan who is known only as “The Accountant,” and who is played by character actor William Fichtner.

• At one point, William Fichtner impales a guy against a wall with a broken baseball bat.

• In one of the film’s many highlights, William Fichtner loudly listens to KC and the Sunshine Band’s 1975 disco classic “That’s the Way (I Like It)” while driving an exploding truck full of hydrogen straight through a blockade of police cars.

• William Fichtner deserves an Oscar for his role in Drive Angry.

• In a moment of tortured reflection, Cage notes the worst part of Hell isn’t the flames, but “the video screens.”

• At one point Cage gets shot in the head; afterward, he calmly examines his head in a mirror, then throws on his sunglasses while—dweeeeedley doooo!—a badass guitar solo plays on the soundtrack.

• The song that plays over the beginning of the end credits is a shitty butt-rock song with a chorus of “I’m Still Alive,” which contradicts the entire premise of the film, by the way, since Cage’s character is DEAD, but anyway, if you stick around for a while, you’ll hear the movie’s title song, which was written and performed by none other than Nicolas Cage’s son, Weston.

• There’s a trio of characters in the end credits listed as “Fucking Driver,” “Fucking Middle,” and “Fucking Passenger.” We have absolutely no recollection of these characters in the film.

• There are lots of boobs. In 3D.

• Cage stole a crazy rifle from Hell. This rifle makes things explode in giant fireballs and is called “The Godkiller.”

• Drive Angry is co-written and directed by Patrick Lussier, whose past credits include Dracula 2000, Dracula II: Ascension, Dracula III: Legacy, White Noise 2: The Light, and My Bloody Valentine.

• There is a sex scene in which Cage never takes off his clothes or sunglasses, and also clenches a cigar between his teeth and a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand.

• When the waitress Cage is having sex with asks why he won’t take off his clothes, Cage responds, “I never disrobe before a gun fight.”

• Immediately after Cage says this, a bunch of dudes show up and try to kill Cage; he then shoots them in extreme slow-mo, even as he continues boning the waitress, clutching both the cigar and the Jack Daniels, and keeping his sunglasses on.

• This scene would be a highlight of any other film, but it’s just one more scene in Drive Angry.

• Perhaps not surprisingly, Drive Angry is rated R for “strong brutal violence throughout, grisly images, some graphic sexual content, nudity, and pervasive language.”

• When compared to other recent Nicolas Cage movies, Drive Angry is better than Ghost Rider, Next, Bangkok Dangerous, G-Force, Season of the Witch, National Treasure and/or National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Knowing, World Trade Center, and The Sorcerer’s Apprentice; it is not as good as Kick-Ass or Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.

• At one point Cage drinks an ice-cold beer out of the bloody, still-warm skull of one of his enemies.

• As many bullet points are in this bullet-pointed list? Times that by 100 and you have a good idea how many bullets—not including bullets from the Godkiller—are fired in Drive Angry.