“There’s nothing you can do to bring your mom and dad back
together again,” Orko wisely advises, taking a break from his He-Man
and the Masters of the Universe cartoon to counsel children on the
devastating realities of divorce. “Nothing.”
Such is one of the moments of stunning brilliance in the Found
Footage Festival, a traveling show of “strange, outrageous, and
profoundly stupid videos” rescued from dumpsters, yard sales, and
thrift stores. Accompanied by live commentary from the festival’s
curators, Joe Pickett and Nick Prueher, the festival hits Portland on
Friday with an all-new program that includes that really weird divorce
video hosted by Orko. (Orko’s video, by the way, When Mom and Dad
Break Up, is co-hosted by Alan Thicke. Also by the way, just typing
that sentence made my head explode.)
There’s other astonishing stuff, too: A terrifying montage of public
access programs, excerpts from three legendary workout videos (1993’s
The Marky Mark Workout, 1986’s Take Time with Pat Boone,
and a pre-stabbin’ O.J. Simpson’s Minimum Maintenance Fitness for
Men), as well as a fairly disturbing ad for the “E-Z Catch,” a
monstrous, massive machine that sucks up chickens for slaughter. Also:
Alyssa Milano rapping, Jason Priestly teaching gun safety, and How
to Seduce Women Through Hypnosis, which is very possibly the
creepiest thing I’ve ever seen.
There’s more, but I won’t spoil it; suffice to say that while a few
of Pickett and Prueher’s selections have already made the viral video
rounds, most have been unseen or forgotten until now. YouTube, as
beautiful of a time-waster as it might be, is overwhelming—for
every amazing video, there are 99 that’re stupid. But that ratio is far
better with the Found Footage Festival, which is packed with
unbelievable, hilarious, and cringe-worthy clips. This is what happens
when video cameras get into the wrong hands. This is what happens when
tapes that should have been destroyed end up in VCRs. This is
great.
