APPARENTLY, IT’S REALLY HARD to find wannabe actors in Los
Angeles—for the past decade, Hollywood’s been scrambling to see
who can invent a CG actor that doesn’t creep the fuck out of everyone.
With Robert Zemeckis’ latest CG nightmare, A Christmas Carol,
hitting theaters this week, let’s revisit the creepy, dead-eyed
automatons who’ve invaded our multiplexes.
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)—This
movie is about giant monsters who come out of the ground and eat
things! So it’s kinda like Tremors, but all Japanese and filled
with hippie-talk about “Gaia” and crap. It was also the first attempt
at a photo-realistic CG feature, and all of the zombie-like characters
stare blankly into the middle distance. Hey, speaking of
Tremors, Tremors was pretty sweet.
The Polar Express (2004)—Think CG grownups are
creepy? WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE CG CHILDREN! Robert Zemeckis’ first venture
into motion capture resulted in the single most terrifying film ever,
in which a trainload of soulless, murderous children collide with an
army of soulless, murderous midgets at the top of the world.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006)—Motion capture works best when it’s done with aliens and
freaks, like our pals Jar Jar and Gollum. Bill Nighy’s performance as
mopey fish-man Davy Jones is the best thing about the Pirates sequels, in no small part because the filmmakers use everything
disconcerting about CG and motion capture to great effect. Plus, Davy
Jones has TENTACLES. FOR A BEARD.
Beowulf (2007)—Apparently missing the memo that
everyone hated The Polar Express, Zemeckis went on to make
Beowulf, a CG action flick with all the nuance of a painting on
a metalhead’s van. Cruelly, Zemeckis also included a near-naked
Angelina Jolie—except it wasn’t even Angelina Jolie, it was just
some CG thing that kind of looked like Angelina Jolie. Try explaining
that to my boner.
Avatar (2009)—James Cameron vows his
decade-in-the-making sci-fi flick will boast motion-capture
performances so lifelike that audiences will believe Avatar‘s
blue, 10-foot-tall aliens actually exist. If one dude can cross the
Uncanny Valley, it’s effects pioneer Cameron. But don’t get too
excited—even if Cameron succeeds, Zemeckis is threatening a CG
remake of the Beatles’ Yellow Submarine. Man. That guy’s a
dick.
Hey, I like Final Fantasy.