With wry humor and bubbly charm, Sandra Bullock outshone nearly everything else in 1994’s Speed. Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted: Ever since, Bullock’s films have been listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as “The worst movies of all time.” (Sandy’s latest, Premonition, opens this week. I have a PREMONITION it’s going to be FUCKING AWFUL.)
• While You Were Sleeping (1995)—Sandy plays a lonely woman who pretends to be some dude’s fiancée after he falls onto train tracks and lapses into a coma. Afterward, crimes involving lonely women pushing unsuspecting men onto train tracks rose dramatically.
• The Net (1995)—Remember 1995, when AOL was like some futuristic Blade Runner shit? That’s when Sandy made this thriller about how DIAL-UP MODEMS COULD KILL YOU. This film is also the reason your grandmother runs screaming from the room whenever you say the word “online.”
• Murd3r 8y Num8ers (2002)—4r3 y0u sh1tt1ng m3?
• Practical Magic (1998)—The film that cemented Sandy’s status as your mother’s favorite movie star, Practical Magic stars Bullock and Nicole Kidman as sisters/witches. They do whimsical magic! They share life-affirming platitudes! They drink margaritas while dancing to that horrible “Coconut” song!
• 28 Days (2000)—Shown nonstop on the Oxygen Channel, 28 Days is no 28 Days Later. (Fool me once….) 28 Days has Sandy goin’ to rehab; unfortunately, there’s no 12-step program for ceasing to make excruciating movies.
• Miss Congeniality (2000) and Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous (2005)—Sandy plays a tough FBI agent who gets entered into a girly beauty pageant: Just wait until she tries to walk in heels! (Psst! She falls!)
• Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (2002)—This adaptation of the chick lit book was originally created as a birth control device: Ladies, a mere mention of this film will ensure that your man will never be able to get an erection again.
