The triumvirate has been disbanded. Once, from the mid ’80s to the
early ’90s, three men—nay, three heroes—defined
movie stardom. But two’s company and three’s a crowd: Arnold turned
political, Bruce figured out how to straddle the chasm between
blockbusters and respect, and Sly… well, Sly took the hit.
This weekend brings us Rambo, Sylvester Stallone’s latest
attempt to recapture his glory. (Anyone remember 2006’s Rocky
Balboa? Anyone?) Rambo wasn’t screened for critics, which is
about a 99.5 percent reliable indicator that it’s fucking terrible. But
while Rambo is Sly’s most shameless stab at regaining his action
hero status, it’s merely the latest in a long string of fuck-ups.
Though some Stallone scholars would argue earlier—with
Judge Dredd (1995) perhaps, or Assassins (also ’95),
The Specialist (1994), or Daylight (1996)—Stallone
didn’t really hit the skids until 1998, when he voiced one of the
characters in Antz. (Yeah, so did Woody Allen—but hearing
Alvy Singer’s whine coming from a CG bug is a lot less disheartening
than hearing Rocky’s.) Prior to Antz, Stallone’s films had done
reasonably well, and he’d scored props for his dramatic turn in ’97’s
Cop Land. Afterward, it was stuff like Get Carter (2000),
Driven (2001), and Eye See You (2002, straight to video,
and yes, that title is for real). By the time Stallone was killing time
with Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (2003), it wasn’t much of a stretch
for him to slum it on TV with Las Vegas.
Stallone’s later stuff threatened to obliterate everything cool that
had come before: The Oscar-winning Rocky (1976), First
Blood (1982), Cobra (1986), Over the Top (1987),
Tango & Cash (1989), the epic year of ’93 (both
Cliffhanger and Demolition Man!). Those are remembered,
sure, but it’s hard not to also recall Sly’s astonishingly ill-advised
comedies Oscar (1991) and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992). So is it any wonder that Stallone’s returned to low-budget
flicks in which he punches and/or shoots bad guys? Sure, it’s awkward,
and there’s that skeezy sheen of desperation to it all, but hey…
dude’s got bills to pay, and god knows Planet Hollywood has seen better
days.
