I’ve seen this trailer about 15 times now, but I’m still having a hard time believing—or shall we say having faith—that it represents an actual major motion picture that will actually play in actual movie theaters.

Yep! Okay! So, I guess, in conclusion, Haven Is for Real, “based on the incredible true story,” is a thing that exists, and the Mercury will review it, though I have no idea who I’m going to have see it for us. Dirk, maybe. Dirk seems like he would like this.

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

7 replies on “Just a Friendly Reminder that <i>Heaven Is for Real</i> Is an Actual Movie That Exists”

  2. Oh for fucks sake, we gotta pay actors better so they don’t have to take crap like this.
    But yeah, maybe Dirk should review this.

    “Oh, but it’s a TRUE STORY!”

  3. Frankie: Are you suggesting I’d be unduly impressed by those apocryphal real life origins? Unlikely. More like by the fact this fucking kid IS WISE BEYOND HIS YEARS BECAUSE HE WAS IN HEAVEN AND HE’S PROBABLY TALKED TO ALL OF OUR GRANDPARENTS AND SEEN US DO A BUNCH OF DEPRAVED SHIT IN PRIVATE.

    I won’t even give you guys the satisfaction of reviewing this. I’ll pay my own money and see it at the Regal.

  4. This is an obvious ripoff of my unproduced screenplay “Heaven Is For Sale,” about Jay Hovah, His gambling debts, and the division of His compound (aka “The Universe”) into condominium developments, strip malls, and at least two mobile home parks. Trying to get Bruce Willis interested.

  7. I’d do it. Reasons why:

    1. I am an unabashed Greg Kinnear fan. Love him. For reals.

    2. I have absolutely no reservations making fun of children. They’re just punch lines that ask a lot of inane questions.

    3. I have a hunch that this movie will lend itself to truly eye-opening Cold War allegories that will make for some top-notch reviewing.

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