The video section of your local library sports an astonishing selection of wholesome family enjoyment, subtle eroticism, chilling horror, and vacuous infotainment. For instance:
Richard Simmons and the Silver Foxes–Fitness Führer Richard Simmons
remakes Triumph of the Will as an aerobics video for octogenarians. He outfits
the ancient parents of five of Hollywood’s best-loved stars–Sal Pacino, Jacqueline
Stallone, Harry Hoffman, et cetera–in color-coordinated superhero outfits,
dubs them The Silver Foxes, commands them to smile, and aerobicizes them mercilessly.
They almost die. Especially funny in high-speed search mode.
Handgun Basics for Self-Defense–If you appreciate excellent filmmaking,
straightforward weapons instruction and extreme body sculpting, this tape is
for you. Whether you’re wowed by the level-headed marksmanship and tanned, perky
biceps of NRA-certified firearms instructor Lenny, or stunned by the perky common-sense
shooting tips and massive antigravity hair and breasts of NRA-certified spouse
Tammy, you’d find this video informative, erotic, and perky as fuck. High points
include Lenny demonstrating the improved stopping power of hollow-point ammunition
on a holiday ham, and Tammy demonstrating the “whatever feels good” shooting
system in NRA-certified ultra-tight jeans.
Unchained Goddess–Frank Capra brings us the It’s A Wonderful Life
of meteorology. The white male oligarchy, encoded as Science and represented
by one writer and one scientist, alternately mocks, humiliates and seduces the
Gaia/Earth Goddess, encoded as Mythology and represented by a hot cartoon airhead
in black stretch nightie and tiara.
Rodent Prevention– Did you know that your home is almost certainly
teeming with nasty, germ-spreading rats? I could not sleep after viewing this
chillingly informative video produced by the scary people at Multnomah County
Vector Control. Some preventative measures are suggested, but it is basically
acknowledged that rats are our masters and we will never escape their twitchy
clutches.