‘Nuff Said

The business of gazing at guys in long underwear, once a gratifyingly furtive act, has achieved major out status these days. Funnybook fans overwhelmed by the recent preponderance of big budget, high profile Spider-Men and Blades may wish to hearken back to the intermittently thrilling days of yesteryear, when mighty Marvel Comics seemed willing to part with the film rights of their most beloved characters for a half-full pack of Kools.

• Fantastic Four (1994)–You have more loose change in your pockets
right now than this movie cost to make. Some genuine love and feel for the milieu
is quickly stamped out by the presence of legendary skinflint Roger Corman,
who most likely spent the bulk of the production process wavering between coughing
up the dough for the Human Torch’s effects or simply lighting an unsuspecting
extra on fire. Never given a formal release due to legal snafus, but worth hunting
down a bootleg for Mr. Fantastic’s stretchy pipe cleaner arms alone.

• Captain America (1991)–Possibly the most inept film to have a connection
to the act of placing ink on paper, the sole attraction here is the chance to
see the title character boldly re-imagined as a clumsy guy in a spangled Danskin
with protruding rubber ears. The good Captain is portrayed by the son of J.D.
Salinger, which may possibly account for the author’s continued self-imposed
exile.

• The Punisher (1989)–The greasy, grieving Dolph Lundgren lets a whole
lotta daylight through a slew of warring ethnic stereotypes in this dark, dank
paean to vigilante justice. Louis Gossett Jr. bats cleanup. Rather fun on a
sleazy grindhouse level, but loses major points by dropping the whole cool skull
shirt logo thing, which deserved to be on a drink cup, dammit.

• The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988)–Brawny Lou Ferrigno and brainy
Bill Bixby pull on the shredded purple pants that made them famous in this made-for-TV
reunion that defies sober description. In a masterful example of superheroic
synergy, the asparagus-hued colossus here hooks up with Thor, the boozy, copiously
body-lubed Norse God of Thunder. Velveeta Valhalla, True Believers.