Freshness Dated
Know you this truism, wannabe pop-culture mavens: Today’s razor scooter is the pet rock of tomorrow. Faced with the constantly shifting mutability of the American people, only the canniest of producers are able to slip their of-the-moment entertainment products through the fickle window of opportunity before it slams forever shut. Please rise and join me in saluting the films that fearlessly caught the fad wave, rode out the trend storm, and totally gleamed the cube.
• Roller Boogie (1979)–Scant years after sharing her soup in The Exorcist,
the power of Christ compelled Linda Blair to shake her groove thang in this
paean to disco balls and hard rubber toe stops. By shrewdly taking the timeless
class struggle between the haves and have-nots and slapping on a fog machine,
this cinematic fever-dream forever captures the Age of Aquarius, in all its
glowsticked, Jordached glory.
• The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)–In which a disaffected youth
learns to laugh, love, and live again, via the invaluable aid of a gaggle of
cursing, pooting latex gnomes. Blending the beloved children’s trading card
set with the finest mucus dispensing and pants-wetting technology that food
stamps can buy, the result is truly the highest octane of nightmare fuel. Overall,
a viewing experience so utterly moist as to make Peter Jackson break out the
Lysol.
• The Wizard (1989)–A puberty-racked Fred Savage schleps his autistic
vid-wiz kid brother to a cross-country video game competition. Hilarity, life
lessons, and ceaseless 8-bit product placement ensue. Featuring more Nintendo
plugs than a spoiled kid’s powerstrip, this Rain Man for the Kid Icarus set
is aimed squarely at that rarified group that has the 30 extra lives code for
Contra permanently etched on their collective brainpan. (U, U, D, D, L, R, L,
R, B, A, S.)
Hall of Famers: Lambada, The Forbidden Dance; Over The Top; Joysticks;
Rad; Salsa; Thrashin’; Body Rock; Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.